Derek

Leaving your house in NC in 2020

Conflict happened and I was bummed we weren't on good terms when I left

But we reconnected 

Now it's 2024

Stayed in touch

Planned to visit each other again one day

But what do you do when one day never happens?

You are gone now

I can't believe you were stabbed and murdered 

 I'm sad 

You were one of my favorite people 

You were there for me when I needed a friend the most

 You always encouraged me and gave me the best words of wisdom 

Thanks for helping me trust myself and my intuition. You told me to embrace that people are readable and comfortably stand my ground and I can never thank you enough for planting that seed.

I still have messages you sent to me that meant a lot: 

 "I hope that you are doing amazing, because you are one of a kind and deserve everything you want your life to be.  Our short time together has left a permanent mark on me, and I'm very thankful for the light you shined into my existence. I hope that you never falter from that, as I have, but I'm sure that you won't. everyone else sees your light too and it's magnificent to witness. You are the embodiment of what everyone is seeking but most will never find. I'm grateful for our time and memories, beyond measure."

"I need time with you right now, Taylor. I know that's impossible, but Tonight was the first impactful backtrack moment I've had identity wise, and you're pretty much the only person that could fully understand what I would need someone to understand by me saying that and pretty much the only person that could be what I would need

10/29/23, 6:46 AM

Derek

U can move in here if none of that works out, I dunno but from my perspective I would definitely love to be around someone that soaks up life and delivers the outcome in the way that u do. I lost it, gained it back. Lost it again, gained it back, and am here with it now but these people are fatiguing and you are a light that knows it without learning it and shows everyone how to not be what everyone is being

"But your fucking amazing in my book too. In everyone's book, guaranteed. I know what you are, and never doubt it."

 I love you and will miss you forever friend 

Bear

Going on a bear hunt 

Going to catch a big one

I'm not scared 

What's that over there..

A friendly bear

A fun bear

A cuddle bear

But a scared bear

I chase

You run

You hide

I surrender 

You text words as sweet as honey 

" I love you"

Here we go again 

But before I know it

You disappear into thin air again 

A ghost bear

Only wanting what I can't have

I get a high off of the drizzles of honey ( words of affection)

All i have  are the breadcrumbs of memories left behind in your tracks  

A sleeping bag on the beach with a broken zipper 

Stargazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen 

Kidnapping me on 13th block

Jumping in the ocean with all my clothes on 

My sandy wet hair drying in the sun on a towel laying next to you

Your green T-shirt still laying in my closet even now 

But

People are talking 

We were a train wreck waiting to happen 

Reminiscing about making out in your car

I know it's dumb 

It ain't 2019 no more

Maybe I should stop looking for 

what is not looking for me

Trusting yourself

 I grew up thinking everyone knew better than me

Not trusting myself

Not trusting my intuition

Not trusting my capabilities

Thinking the way I did things and thought was wrong

But when I learned to tune out the opinions and perspective of the world

I realized...

The way I thought was out of the box but it was what made sense to me 

The way I did things were different

But it was what worked for me

All along I knew what was best for me

All I needed was to have faith in myself

To listen to my own intuition 

Because all of the answers were always within me

To figure things out in my own way 

And realizing this is most liberating feeling of my life

Healing

There is this saying we teach people how to treat us

But actually we were taught how to be treated

How are we supposed to know that people treat us how our body language shows how we feel about ourselves?

How are you supposed to know you are worthy when people treated you like you were less?

They told me I was shy

But how was I supposed to want to speak up when I felt ignored or misunderstood when I did?

They assumed I could not do things

But that was far from right

All I needed to do was adapt

Now I know better

But grief consumes me that it took so long

I blamed myself for not knowing sooner

But it was never my fault

And I never let people thinking I couldn't do something keep me from trying and never giving up 

Healing is a long messy process that I'm still figuring out

Love is love

I think it is cool when people are more attracted to the person not the gender. Like schitts creek when David said " I like the wine, not the label"

 Love is love

No matter the gender

It's a shame there is so much shame around sexuality

Disability and sexuality is even more taboo

Because of vulnerability

Women with disabilities are seen as too vulnerable for sex or need to be protected..But truth is we have the same wants and needs as everyone else

I think the most important thing is that both people are open and honest with what they need and want

And with whom

Girls, guys, both

It shouldn't matter

Love is love

And it's up to you to decide what is best for u

Suicide

Someone I'm close to brother just died by suicide

I want to help

But nothing will take the pain away

Nothing will bring him back

No way to comprehend

The pain and suffering someone must go through to feel the need to end their life

Leaving loved one's behind to grieve this loss

But it's not a selfish act

Depression is a terrible disease and at that point rationality has left your system, pain and suffering has taken over every thought

You may even feel like a burden and that your loved ones would be better off

It's your choice...its your life

But a devastating choice at that

Because often it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem

There is hope in a better tomorrow 

But you must believe it is possible

And never give up

There are so many resources out there to exhaust

If only the access was better

There are people who love you and would hate to see you go

So much to live for even if it is just in the gratitude for the little things

But hard to remember when you are going through a lot...easier said than done

And maybe not everyone can be cured

But all lives are worth trying to save

And we must always remember to be kind

We never know what someone is going through

And how much showing them that someone cares could mean to them

That they matter, they are worthy, they are loved

Remind people that the world is better because they are in it

It could even save a life

Anger

 Anger is a tricky thing to know how to deal with

Because we live in a world that tries to get you to suppress your emotions

Like emotions are  bad

Especially negative emotions 

But all emotions are needed

They all are our guiding system

Anger is just a part of us that loves us

That knows we were mistreated

And stands up for how we should be treated

But what if you suppressed it so long that you feel like you are going to explode?

Then you are angry with yourself too  for people pleasing, being a doormat,a push over

Then you have to grieve because now you know better

You were always allowed to be angry too

Now you know that other people's emotions were not your fault or responsibility

It's ok to see others perspective but just because you know why doesn't mean you should let them disrespect you

Even though other people assumed you had bad intentions when they were mad at you doesn't mean you have to be over understanding of their intentions

It's still not ok to hurt others because you are hurt

How people treat you has more to do with how they feel about themselves