Stories In Our Head

 It's funny we all make up stories in our heads about what people are thinking and why they do the things that they do and most of the time they aren't even true. We can't go in each others heads and see what people are thinking and feeling or walk in each others shoes to see what they have experienced. Yet we believe assumptions over asking and recieving each others truths. Maybe we don't always tell our full truths to ourselves though. We also tend to judge others on their behaviors but judge ourselves on our intentions.

The Universe

Right now, you and me here, put together entirely of atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron, held down by this force that seems to trouble you, called gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour and whizzing through the milkyway at 600,000 miles an hour in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light; And admist all this frantic activity, fully cognisant of our own eminent demise; which is our own pretty way of saying we all know we're gonna die; We reach out to one another. Sometimes for the sake of entity, sometimes for reasons you're not old enough to understand yet, but a lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return. Isn't that strange?

John Cusack in Martian Child

We're just conscious awareness dancing for itself for no other reason than to stay amused.

Jim Carrey

Validation

 Validating myself

Hardest thing I've ever done

See I've always been a people pleaser

Play small

Do nothing to harm others

Apologize purfusely if a mistake is made 

Or even when I have done nothing wrong

Always blame myself because it is easier for me than holding resentment

Because I can always see where the other person is coming from

Gaslight myself for having any negative emotion ever

I must be over reacting...being dramatic

Because I'm always to blame

Must treat others with the utmost respect 

Even when I don't get the same in return

I'm hard on myself to be perfectly kind at all times

Otherwise I have failed

I am weak for letting others get to me

Criticizing and berating myself about every little thing

Even things that happened years ago

Giving others so much grace and understanding 

To be human and make mistakes

Validating their emotions 

But never giving that grace to myself in return

Never practicing what I preach

Easier said than done

When I do something that's best for myself..

I feel selfish

Feeling the need to be responsible for everyone else's emotions

 But disregarding my own

When will l learn?

Putting yourself first takes strength when you are used to sacrificing yourself instead

Because

I am worthy

Of respect

Of my own emotions

To take up space 

Of standing up for myself 

Without guilt

Because I matter too

I am valid too

Disability pride

 Not going to lie some days I'm so annoyed at my disability or wish I could just be and look "normal" . Other times I feel like I'm in this weird middle ground where my disability doesn't impact me as much as most people I have met who have disabilities but I don't fit in with the abled body community either. Some people have treated me as if I was lessor intellectually and physically for having one while some forget I have one and are harsh when I'm not living up to certain standards. But without cerebral palsy then I wouldn't be me. Cerebral palsy has given me a unique perspective and insights that I could not have gained any other way. So yes if there was a cure I wouldn't take it like josh blue said.

Happy disability pride month!

To be disabled does not mean you lack abilities

 It means we are able to do things but just differently

It doesn't mean to be capable of less

It means to be adaptable

To have an intellectual disability does not mean one is not smart

It just means to learn differently and at your own pace

Having a physical disability does not mean you have a intellectual one too

People with disabilities are still capable

Of intelligence

Capable of being athletic

Capable of independence

Capable of success

Often even more capable of love

Of kindness & acceptance

Patience & optimism

Compassion & empathy

Persistence & determination

Because of the obstacles we face

Broaden your vocabulary

Don't use the R word

An ignorant word that under estimate a whole community of beautiful and loving people

Handicapped is not appropriate either

Person-first language is in

Or rather just call us by our names

We are not our disability

We are so much more

People are so much more than their apperance and their flaws

So much more than a label

We are our personalities

We are out characteristic traits

We are our passions

And we are our strengths

We are perfect just the way we are

Kindness and Boundaries

 How do you find the balance between kindness and not leading people on?

Kindness and not being taken advantage of

Kindness and not over extending yourself because you must fill your own cup too

Kindness with out getting fatigued or burnt out when the same is not shown to you in return

Other people need to pour into you so you can both grow

Kindness to yourself before others

Kindness but drawing the line and having boundaries when you feel uncomfortable

Because when you put other people's feelings first you become a doormat for others to step on and disregard you

You get undermined, underestimated, made fun of or feel invisible when you aren't assertive and stand up for yourself

Kindness is not always the most important thing, sometimes taking care of yourself must come first

Because if you don't take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect you can't expect others to

Try to be kind yes

 But first be kind to yourself by asserting yourself and standing up for yourself when necessary

And never forget your worth or let people push your boundaries

Be firm in who you are and what you need and want for yourself

It sucks but sometimes it seems like you have to throw kindness out the window and be aggressive to gain respect

I have a dream for people to be better

 I have a dream that one day no one will wake up thinking today is a good day to shoot up an elementary school with a bunch of innocent children in it. With the way this world is heading it's a lofty dream but maybe  just maybe if enough people have the same dream it just may come true. This is why I want to work in the mental health field , their is obviously so many things wrong with our society and the way we treat each other that an 18 year old old thought this was a good idea.

Blame it on my ADD baby

 Blame it on my ADHD baby

Idk where to start 

ADHD sucks 

And common to also have anxiety due to having to deal with the stress ADHD caused 

Plus having CP, that's a triple whammy

And even depression when I'm really not handling it all well

ADHD is so misunderstood

And so common

I didn't know I had it until I was adult

But always wondered what was wrong with me

Always felt so misunderstood

I always felt inadequate or not very smart for my carelessness, forgetfulness,inattention to detail, impulsiveness

Or lazy for procrastinating or avoiding certain things and getting distracted easily

But then hyper focusing and fixating on things that interest me...for me that was psychology, soccer, traveling, nature, music

Later to find out people with ADHD actually tend to have the same IQ as everyone else or higher IQs

When I found out about ADHD it may seem like I used it as an excuse for everything

I understand not wanting the label because of the stereotypes

But for me it really was an explanation

What a relief

It finally made sensese why I was the way I was

Although my psychiatrist never formally diagnosed me because he said. testing it was too expensive and dealing with my anxiety would also help my ADHD. So he just treated that but medicine never worked for me/ I didn't like it

I always hide my hyper side because I always feared coming off as extra, annoying, or too much. I learned quickly in school that I was different than others but it still came out in other ways. And it is common for women to not get diagnosed because it effects them differently or they are better at masking it

I just had so much enthusiasm and felt everything more intensely- classic symptoms that went under the radar

But it effects everyone differently

Predominantly Inattentive Type – requires six (or five for people over 17 years) of the following symptoms occurring often:

• Doesn't pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes 

• Has trouble maintaining attention on tasks or activities (e.g., long lectures or reading assignments)

• Doesn't seem to listen when spoken to directly (i.e., seems preoccupied or zoned out)

• Doesn't follow through on instructions and fails to finish tasks and activities (i.e., may start tasks but gets easily sidetracked)

• Struggles with organizing tasks and activities or loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. has problems with time management, scheduling, and keeping up with tasks and materials)

• Takes the "path of least resistance" and avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort over a long period (i.e., this is often unintentional and more of a cognitive style) 

• Easily distracted 

• Forgets daily tasks such as chores and errands. 

Predominantly Hyperactive Type - requires six (or five for people over 17 years) of the following symptoms occurring often:

• Fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms or moves in seat

• Can't stay seated (e.g., in classroom, workplace, meetings) 

• For children, often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate—for older teens and adults, this may be limited to feeling restless

• Unable to play or participate in leisure activities quietly.

• Always "on the go" or acts as if "driven by a motor"

• Talks excessively or blurts out an answer before a question has been completed

• Has trouble waiting their turn in line

• Interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., cuts into conversations, games, or activities, using other people's things without permission)

For a combined type diagnosis, the individual must have qualifying symptoms from both symptom categories.

Combined type is definitely me, I check every box

I am still learning how to accept and love myself despite ADHD and the best coping mechanisms

Learning to embrace it instead of hiding it so I can be my most authentic self but easier said than done

I've learned to take accountability for my short comings and be  brutally honest about my flaws in order to grow and improve and also show others it is ok to do the same

All I know is that you can't judge it unless you have it, it is harder to control than neurotypical people think