I'm crazy

 I'm crazy

I'll be the first to admit that.

I would say that I'm crazy and proud but to be honest I'm not always so proud.

I defend it all the time to by saying "Normal is a myth"

And everyone has something crazy about themselves

But what I should really do is work to inprove the "crazy" parts about myself

My mom used to say " You drive me crazy" all the time from that oldies song She drives me crazy

What drives you crazy about yourself?

For me it's how much I care

I'm obssesive when it comes to the amount I love people and what I would do for the people who matter to me

Especially when I do something wrong

I apologize non stop

I over think, and over explain, and can't stop my brain

Until I fix things

Because of anxiety

Its a  response from losing people i love, feeling unseen or unworthy  because growing up with a disability I never felt like I fit in

I felt like I was weird and this effected my confidence

It took me until today years old (26) to really open up and be my true self around people

To feel comfortable in my own skin

And now i am almost shocked when people show interest in me because I am not use to people wanting to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them.

Being a loner-ish( not having many friends I was super close with, rather aquiantenceships) made it so that I had a skewed sense of self worth where I almost don't feel deserving when people value my company

So when i do find people i connect with, i can act a little crazy when conflict arises because i don't want to lose that connection

The slightest bit of kindness shown to me means more to me because I'm not used to people going out of their way to help me

We are so scared of people thinking we are crazy.

Like being crazy is the worse thing

But is being crazy really just being human??

We all have baggage from things that happened to us in the past

We all let our emotions do silly irrational things at times

We all have flaws and insecurities

We all have regrets and make mistakes

I guess what is most important is how what we learn from the crazy

I think I know it all, but I don't

All I know is that I am human, I make mistakes but I am trying to be the best version of myself. 

A lifelong work in progress

And maybe the people who are meant to be in your life will make it through the crazy with you

They accept your crazy because you accept theirs

Life is crazy enough to not make other people feel like they are crazy for the way they try to make it through

"It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”

Let your crazy self and crazy life be what is and make the most of who you are. Acceptance comes before improvement.