Leap towards Connection

 One of my favorite quotes

Please whatever you do leap towards tenderness, leap towards connection. We are all afraid to say too much. To feel too deeply. But caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how you feel will make you vulnerable there is no denying that however, there is a breathe taking beautiful thing in moments of magic. When you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. When you choose to slam your heart into those who ignite something within it, when you express it. So express it. Open yourself up to the world and be bold in who and what you are. There is courage in that.

Silver lining

 I may feel things too intensely but it is better than feeling nothing at all, empty.

I may feel great sadness but I also feel immense happiness

I may wear my heart on my sleeve but it is better than bottling things up

I may be too forgiving but it is better than letting anger eat me alive.

I may care too much but it's better than being controlled by ego and selfish desires

Silver lining

Guarded

I try to guard my heart

Not open up too quicky

And let people in

Be feircly independent

Never ask for help

Always be ok

By myself

Because I've been let down so many times before

I know once I care there is no going back

I care too deeply

I feel too much

I forgive too easily

Once I open up

I overshare

I over worry

I over love

Why do my feelings have to be so intense?

Everything is go big or go home

Why can't I do anything or be anything in moderation?

I go all in because happiness is only real when shared 

Or I say fuck people, the only person you can't leave is yourself so be someone who you can be happy with spending 24/7 with

And it only matters if you are at peace with yourself

How do you find the balance?

To trust in people but not rely on them too much?

To be secure, happy, and independent on your own without building up your walls too much?

Letting your guard down without risking all the strength you built up within yourself?

But we are social creatures and relationships play a huge role in our happiness

I've been on the other side too where others seem to rely on me for happiness too much also

Let it Go

Go with the flow

Let it go

Let things happen

Let people be free

Maybe it wasn't meant to be

Float down stream

Sometimes easier said than done

When meaningful memories float in your head

Appreciate it for what it was

Paths that crossed

A rare connection

A beautiful friendship 

Many profound lessons learned

Advice that will last a life time

Memories to cherish

A feeling of gratitude to feel seen, understood and valued 

Even if only for a moment

A helping hand in a time of need

A shining light in a dark place

Good vibes and chemistry

As I float on

I silently cheer on the ones

Who fly in a different direction.

Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe they won't

But I will always wish them the best

 For them to have a beautiful life

And for all their dreams come true

Space

Space is important

Everyone needs their own space

Space to breathe

Space to think

Space to be themselves

But space can be hard to give when you're anxious

When you feel alone

When you are in a bad mental state

Or sick of always having to be strong and independent

When you don't want to lose a great connection

When you want to fix

But fixing doesn't happen right away

Sometimes it takes time

And that's ok

This is another lesson I'm learning

Work in progress for sure

I'm not crazy, I'm human

 I'm crazy

I'll be the first to admit that.

I would say that I'm crazy and proud but to be honest I'm not always so proud.

I defend it all the time to by saying "Normal is a myth"

And everyone has something crazy about themselves

But what I should really do is work to inprove the "crazy" parts about myself

My mom used to sing " You drive me crazy" all the time from that oldies song,"She drives me crazy"

What drives you crazy about yourself?

For me it's how much I care

I'm obssesive when it comes to the amount I love people and what I would do for the people who matter to me

Especially when I do something wrong

I apologize non stop

I over think, and over explain, and can't stop my brain

Until I fix things

Because of anxiety

Its a  response from losing people i love, feeling unseen or unworthy  because growing up with a disability I never felt like I fit in

I felt like I was weird and this effected my confidence

It took me until today years old (26) to really open up and be my true self around people

To feel comfortable in my own skin

And now i am almost shocked when people show interest in me because I am not used to people wanting to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them.

Being a loner-ish( not having many friends I was super close with) made it so that I had a skewed sense of self worth where I almost don't feel deserving when people value my company

So when i do find people i connect with, i can act a little crazy when conflict arises because i don't want to lose that connection

The slightest bit of kindness shown to me means more to me because I'm not used to people going out of their way to help me

We are so scared of people thinking we are crazy.

Like being crazy is the worse thing

But is being crazy really just being human??

We all have baggage from things that happened to us in the past

We all let our emotions do silly irrational things at times

We all have flaws and insecurities

We all have regrets and make mistakes

I guess what is most important is what we learn from the crazy

All I know is that I am human, I make mistakes but I am trying to be the best version of myself. 

A lifelong work in progress

And maybe the people who are meant to be in your life will make it through the crazy with you

They accept your crazy because you accept theirs

Life is crazy enough to not make other people feel like they are crazy for the way they try to make it through

"It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”

Let your crazy self and crazy life be what is and make the most of who you are. Acceptance comes before improvement.

What do you do?

What do you do when you meet someone who you connect with more in 2 weeks than anyone you have ever met before? You can spend 24/7 with them without getting annoyed. You talk of topics such as the universe, science, relationships, psychology, and everything in between. You listen to each other's perspectives and learn from each other. You share each other's past and you both have gone through a lot so you get each other. You talk about your dreams and you get each other's humor and joke and laugh for hours. You become best friends and there is a chemistry like none other. In those two weeks he tells you that he loves you as a person, he feels something with you that he did not feel with his ex that he spent a decade with, you meet his family twice and he raves about how much they love you and he says he can see y'all being friends forever. Both of you have bad past experiences with relationships so you don't want labels, you simply want to go with the flow and enjoy each other's company. At times you don't feel like you deserve someone who enjoys spending so much time with you because you have rarely had that before. You are blown away by how much he goes out of his way to help you, offers up his home when you are in need with out any questions asked and lets you be a part of his family when you can't see your own. Because that kindness has not been shown to you before.  And the way he looked at you and smiled like he was looking straight into your soul and not just looking at your body, wasn't something you often experienced.

But then you become a distraction when he has to work. Tension rise and you do things and say things you don't mean. You would give anything to go back and do things differently to not cause harm, you can't stop thinking of the things you would do differently to only be the positive light he so deserves because that is what he has been to you. And you are impulsive and text him non stop because little things remind you of the great experiences you had and memories are floating in your head. You miss him. But not just him, all the amazing people you met through him- roommates and friends and his family. And his dog and even the racoon he caught when you were going on a hike. But he blocks you because you didn't give him the space he asks for.  What do you do?

You are thankful for the experience, more so than 2 weeks should ever mean to someone. You send good vibes his way and hope for the best. You pray to the universe with space and time, you can reconnect. And even if no reconnect happens, you wouldn't take those 2 weeks back because you gained so much than you could have ever imagined from being around a person you connect with that much. He made you feel valued, loved, appreciated, understood and for that you will always be thankful for. The memories will always be with you.

And I can use this experience to help others.

“Everything that is tearing us down today will become a memory, and this memory will be shared as an anecdote or a story or a poem or a play or a warning. It will be shared with another human being, who will then understand that he is not alone in his sadness. This is why we show up for others and tell our tales and listen to others. The great congregation meets daily, and you are someone’s angel today.”