Trauma

Trauma

I used to hate that word

It felt dramatic 

Yeah I've been through some shit 

But no not trauma

It wasn't that bad

I dismissed all of it

Because other people have it worse

I didn't see that ironically 

Dismissing it was a trauma response 

Sometimes trauma isn't loud 

It's not always being physically harmed

Sometimes it's losing your mom at way too young

Sometimes it's a thousand tiny paper cuts of ableism 

Whispers what is wrong with her

Why does her hand look so weird 

Why does she walk like that 

She is using her disability as an excuse 

It's being ghosted by the first friend you had from preschool to age 14

Guys picking on you if they thought you liked them or found out you did like them in 5th grade and middle school 

Finding out one too many times that you cannot trust the people you thought you could like even your boss at work 

It's being excluded

Other times it is loud

It is being yelled at

Being made to feel like your responsible for other people's emotions 

When someone takes out being mad at themselves on you-projection 

It's small things that you accidentally forget to do because of your adhd being taken out of proportion 

And then being kicked out of your house and someone being mad at you for it

Being assumed you have bad intentions for how your brain works in a more forgetful manner 

Sometimes it's quiet like being ignored and misunderstood 

Sometimes it is loud like being taken advantage  of  and being made to feel like you are the problem 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

 I was 18 years old before I realized that other people saw me as pretty

 But still took years to really believe it, I remember telling my first bf " only you think that" when he tried to compliment me 

I remember being shocked that people wrote that they thought I was pretty in my yearbook senior year 

I never thought people could see past my CP/ shy girl  persona

Only few and far between got to see my true fun loving goofy self

I learned that making myself small, quiet, and nice made it so I got picked on less

But I sacrificed people getting to know who I really was

I thought  my baby dinosaur hand/ lucky fin/ bad arm plus limp would disqualify me as beautiful on the outside so I focused on the inside 

Plus I look like I have a black eye if I don't have make up on lol

But that's the thing, people don't see your flaws the way you do

You may magnify them and make them qualify you as a reason that you are less attractive or worthy

But other people don't see it that way 

Sometimes your inner beauty shines through to your outer beauty 

To be able to look at yourself in the way that the people you love do would be a blessing 

You may just find the things you hate about yourself are actually what makes you so loveable 

Maybe your quirks and flaws are what makes you beautiful 

Because we all have imperfections 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that you are worthy just the way you are as your most authentic self 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that no one can hurt you with truth you have already accepted about yourself and are working on improving 

Disability Pride 2025

 Whenever I post about disabilities it is to make this girl proud ( my younger self). She did not know how to speak up for herself. She did not know she was beautiful just the way she was.

I always felt like I had to work extra hard to prove I am just like everyone.To prove I am smart, capable,strong,and independent.

July is disability pride month and I'm not going to lie some days I am far from proud. Some days I have internal ableism " the only real disability is a bad attitude" and " others have it worse", I tell myself. The problem with this is that it minimizes my struggles .“Life as a disabled person is actually somewhat difficult. We do overcome some things. But the things that we’re overcoming are not the things that you think they are. They are not things to do with our bodies. I use the term “disabled people” quite deliberately, because I subscribe to what’s called the social model of disability, which tells us that we are more disabled by the society that we live in than by our bodies and our diagnoses.” Stella  Young

Some people have treated me as if I was less (intellectually and physically) for having CP. Other people forget I have CP and are harsh when I'm not living up to certain standards. While others call me " inspirational". Being called an inspiration is not the compliment you think it is though, it is objectifying disabiled people for the benefit of able bodied people, to say things could be worse. But, disability isn't a bad thing.

"Disability doesn’t make you exceptional, but questioning what you think you know about it does.”  Stella Young 

Without Cerebral Palsy I wouldn't be me. Cerebral palsy has given me a unique perspective and insights that I could not have gained any other way. 

“If there was a cure for cerebral palsy I would not do it because this is me, this is my life” Josh Blue

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse starts out slow

Subtitle insulting 

Tearing you down a little bit at a time 

Not all at once 

One minute they buy you flowers and chocolates 

They cook delicious meals and they clean your house for you

They tell you,  "you are amazing , beyond imagination"

The next minute" you are a narcissist, who has multiple personalities," for not accepting their disrespect 

They apologize and say they will "never do it again "

And then they say it is your fault because you triggered them 

They dismiss their actions because it was due to alcohol 

And then it is your responsibility to stay because leaving will hinder their recovery 

When you set a boundary, they don't respect it, and they say that "you lack empathy" 

When you want your space, they say " you are selfish "

Manipulation and control in every action 

But only hindsight is 20/20 

It is not your fault 

It can happen to anyone 

You aren't accountable for their bad behavior 

You aren't responsible for their recovery 

You deserve better 

Love is meant to heal, not harm

Love is meant to be your safe place, not a prison cell

Reach out, get help, you are not alone

Derek

Leaving your house in NC in 2020

Conflict happened and I was bummed we weren't on good terms when I left

But we reconnected 

Now it's 2024

Stayed in touch

Planned to visit each other again one day

But what do you do when one day never happens?

You are gone now

I can't believe you were stabbed and murdered 

 I'm sad 

You were one of my favorite people 

You were there for me when I needed a friend the most

 You always encouraged me and gave me the best words of wisdom 

I still have messages you sent to me that meant a lot: 

 "I hope that you are doing amazing, because you are one of a kind and deserve everything you want your life to be.  Our short time together has left a permanent mark on me, and I'm very thankful for the light you shined into my existence. I hope that you never falter from that, as I have, but I'm sure that you won't. everyone else sees your light too and it's magnificent to witness. You are the embodiment of what everyone is seeking but most will never find. I'm grateful for our time and memories, beyond measure."

"I need time with you right now, Taylor. I know that's impossible, but Tonight was the first impactful backtrack moment I've had identity wise, and you're pretty much the only person that could fully understand what I would need someone to understand by me saying that and pretty much the only person that could be what I would need

10/29/23, 6:46 AM

Derek

U can move in here if none of that works out, I dunno but from my perspective I would definitely love to be around someone that soaks up life and delivers the outcome in the way that u do. I lost it, gained it back. Lost it again, gained it back, and am here with it now but these people are fatiguing and you are a light that knows it without learning it and shows everyone how to not be what everyone is being

"But your fucking amazing in my book too. In everyone's book, guaranteed. I know what you are, and never doubt it."

 I love you and will miss you forever friend 

Bear

Going on a bear hunt 

Going to catch a big one

I'm not scared 

What's that over there..

A friendly bear

A fun bear

A cuddle bear

But a scared bear

I chase

You run

You hide

I surrender 

You text words as sweet as honey 

" I love you"

Here we go again 

But before I know it

You disappear into thin air again 

A ghost bear

Only wanting what I can't have

Starved for affection 

I get a high off of the drizzles of honey ( words of affection)

All i have  are the breadcrumbs of memories left behind in your tracks and a T-shirt you gave me when I jumped into the ocean with all of my clothes on 

A sleeping bag on the beach with a broken zipper 

Stargazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen 

Kidnapping me on 13th block 

My sandy wet hair drying in the sun on a towel laying next to you

But

People are talking 

We were a train wreck waiting to happen 

Reminiscing about making out in your car

I know it's dumb 

It ain't 2019 no more

Maybe I should stop looking for 

what is not looking for me

Trusting yourself

 I grew up thinking everyone knew better than me

Not trusting myself

Not trusting my intuition

Not trusting my capabilities

Thinking the way I did things and thought was wrong

But when I learned to tune out the opinions and perspective of the world

I realized...

The way I thought was out of the box but it was what made sense to me 

The way I did things were different

But it was what worked for me

All along I knew what was best for me

All I needed was to have faith in myself

To listen to my own intuition 

Because all of the answers were always within me

To figure things out in my own way 

And realizing this is most liberating feeling of my life