Choosing people who choose you because we are all worthy of love

 Life be funny sometimes 

You have a crush on someone 

But that person likes someone else

But the person they like doesn't like them back either 

And it can be a never ending chain of  people who just want what they can't have

Or who miss out on great people who are infatuated with them who they could have great potential with 

Yet are too busy obsessing over someone else who doesn't see their worth or who is too busy obsessing over someone else to give them a chance 

Even though there could be a great connection there

Sometimes it is hard to believe that someone else sees you in that light

It is hard to accept that you are worthy and deserving for people to see the best in you

The way you see the best in others

Sometimes it feels out of the blue if you feel like they don't know you well enough or you feel like you haven't done anything to earn or deserve their love

But the truth is we are all worthy without doing anything 

Unconditionally 

Just for being who we are

Cheers to me trying to break that cycle 

Going where I'm wanted

Choosing the people who choose me

Giving a chance to people who see my worth

Believing I deserve it 

Without feeling the need to earn it 

I am worthy

I deserve love

Just for being exactly who I am

Flaws and all

In your own eyes

 It is more important to be the person you want to be in your own eyes than to try to be that person in everyone else's eyes

Only wanting what I can't have

Why do I only want  what I can't have ?

Falling for enthusiasm 

And love bombing

That doesn't last

Because they are just caught up in living in the moment 

But fear commitment, vulnerability, intimacy..when things get real

They are hot and cold

And emotionally unavailable 

But then I get attached to how the highs made me feel 

But not knowing how to receive it when someone genuinely thinks I'm great and wants to spend time with me

Something feels missing and I don't know why

Is it a spark, chemistry, passion, excitement in the chase?

Or a feeling that I need to earn it?

Am I doomed to just wanting what I can't have ?

Am I not giving the right people a good enough chance / being too picky?

 Or have I just not met the right one yet?

Derek

 What do you do when you meet someone who you connect with more in 2 weeks than anyone you have ever met before? You can spend 24/7 with them without getting annoyed. You talk of topics such as the universe, science, relationships, psychology, and everything in between. You listen to each other's perspectives and learn from each other. You share each other's past and you both have gone through a lot so you get each other. You talk about your dreams and you get each other's humor and joke and laugh for hours. You become best friends and there is a chemistry like none other. In those two weeks he tells you that he loves you as a person, he feels something with you that he did not feel with his ex that he spent a decade with, you meet his family twice and he raves about how much they love you and he says he can see y'all being friends forever. But both of you have bad past experiences with relationships so you don't want labels, you simply want to go with the flow and enjoy each other's company. At times you don't feel like you deserve someone who enjoys spending so much time with you because you have rarely had that before. You are blown away by how much he goes out of his way to help you, offers up his home when you are in need with out any questions asked and lets you be a part of his family when you can't see your own. Because that kindness has not been shown to you before.  And the way he looked at you and smiled like he was looking straight into your soul and not just looking at your body, wasn't something you often experienced.

But then you become a distraction when he has to work. Tension rise and you do things and say things you don't mean. You would give anything to go back and do things differently to not cause harm, you can't stop thinking of the things you would do differently to only be the positive light he so deserves because that is what he has been to you. And you are impulsive and text him non stop because little things remind you of the great experiences you had and memories are floating in your head. You miss him. But not just him, all the amazing people you met through him- roommates and friends and his family. And his dog and even the racoon he caught when you were going on a hike. But he blocks you because you didn't give him the space he asks for.  What do you do?

You are thankful for the experience, more so than 2 weeks should ever mean to someone. You send good vibes his way and hope for the best. You pray to the universe with space and time, you can reconnect. And even if no reconnect happens, you wouldn't take those 2 weeks back because you gained so much than you could have ever imagined from being around a person you connect with that much. He made you feel valued, loved, appreciated, understood and for that you will always be thankful for. The memories will always be with you.

Wrote this after we first met in 2020

Conflict happened and I was bummed we weren't in touch

But we reconnected 

Now it's 2024

Stayed in touch

Planned to visit each other again one day

But what do you do when one day never happens?

You are gone now

I can't believe you were stabbed and murdered 

 I'm sad 

You were one of my favorite people 

You were there for me when I needed a friend the most

 You always encouraged me and gave me the best words of wisdom 

I still have messages you sent to me that meant a lot: 

 "I hope that you are doing amazing, because you are one of a kind and deserve everything you want your life to be.  Our short time together has left a permanent mark on me, and I'm very thankful for the light you shined into my existence. I hope that you never falter from that, as I have, but I'm sure that you won't. everyone else sees your light too and it's magnificent to witness. You are the embodiment of what everyone is seeking but most will never find. I'm grateful for our time and memories, beyond measure."

"I need time with you right now, Taylor. I know that's impossible, but Tonight was the first impactful backtrack moment I've had identity wise, and you're pretty much the only person that could fully understand what I would need someone to understand by me saying that and pretty much the only person that could be what I would need a person to be in this type of situation. "

"But your fucking amazing in my book too. In everyone's book, guaranteed. I know what you are, and never doubt it."

 I love you and will miss you forever friend 

Bear

Going on a bear hunt 

Going to catch a big one

I'm not scared 

What's that over there..

A friendly bear

A fun bear

A cuddle bear

But a scared bear

I chase

You run

You hide

I surrender 

You text words as sweet as honey 

" I love you"

Here we go again 

But before I know it

You disappear into thin air again 

A ghost bear

Only wanting what I can't have

Starved for affection 

I get a high off of the drizzles of honey ( words of affection)

I'm addicted to the breadcrumbs of memories left  behind in your tracks

A sleeping bag on the beach with a broken zipper 

Stargazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen 

Kidnapping me on 13th block 

My sandy wet hair drying in the sun on a towel laying next to you

But we are just going around and around drawing circles in the sand

And people are talking 

People are talking 

We were a train wreck waiting to happen 

Reminiscing about making out in your car

I know it's dumb

I know it's dumb 

It ain't 2019 no more

Maybe I should stop looking for 

what is not looking for me

Trusting yourself

 I grew up thinking everyone knew better than me

Not trusting myself

Not trusting my intuition

Not trusting my capabilities

Thinking the way I did things and thought was wrong

But when I learned to tune out the opinions and perspective of the world

I realized...

The way I thought was out of the box but it was what made sense to me 

The way I did things were different

But it was what worked for me

All along I knew what was best for me

All I needed was to have faith in myself

To listen to my own intuition 

Because all of the answers were always within me

To figure things out in my own way 

And realizing this is most liberating feeling of my life

Healing

There is this saying we teach people how to treat us

But actually we were taught how to be treated

How are we supposed to know that people treat us how are body language shows how we feel about ourselves?

How are you supposed to know you are worthy when people treated you like you were less?

They told me I was shy

But how was I supposed to want to speak up when I felt ignored when I did?

They assumed I could not do things

But that was far from right

All I needed to do was adapt

Now I know better

But grief consumes me that it took so long

I blamed myself for not knowing sooner

But it was never my fault

Healing is a long messy process that I'm still figuring out