Recent Reflections

Recent Reflections: 

1. Lessons take time to implement and that's ok. I used to dwell on why it took me so long to practice what I preach (self compassion and boundaries). Old habits die hard and maybe that is ok. Maybe it's not about how long it takes but the journey along the way.

2. Healing is not linear. You know what Shrek said about onions? Healing is like that, peeling back layers.

3. Your head is loud and your intuition is quiet. Your head operates from a place of shame, guilt, or fear. Your intuition operates from a place of peace. Trust your intuition. For real,  like Nike says, "just do it."  You don't have to justify it, either. Feelings, energies.. they don't lie. Not getting a good vibe about something is enough of a reason.

4. Understanding the why is important but dwelling on it too long keeps you stuck, focusing on the way forward is where it is at

Emotional Dysregulation, ADHD, Communication

 One of the parts about ADHD that isn't talked about as much 

Is emotional dysregulation 

Our highs are higher 

Our lowes are lower

It's like a rollercoaster ride that you never can get off of

Triggers  can be hard to manage 

And it's like how is it possible to go from happy as clam to mad as the hulk

Or if you are a people pleaser ( in recovery ) like me, you learned that negative emotions are not acceptable 

It's not ok to express them

So they build up until...

All of sudden it's like a volcano 🌋 eruption 

And then you can realize it in an instant and can be back to calm, cool, and collected in no time 

It's really weird to experience or explain to those who haven't experienced the same phenomenon 

And this emotional dysregulation 

Makes it hard to communicate 

When you explode

You say too much 

You overwhelm the person on the other side 

Because you let yourself be overwhelmed for far too long

To be on the receiving end 

 It makes sense for people to be confused because you didn't let them know how hurt you were by the things they said or did

Or bringing up things again because you didn't feel fully seen or heard/ things didn't get resolved 

It makes sense if they retaliate 

It makes sense if they retreat 

But other times you did speak up, they just didn't listen 

They thought they could get away with doing the same thing because you have forgiven them before 

I admire those who can sit back and process before communicating

Instead of  doing donuts in expressing thoughts

 Or a hamster on a hamster wheel 

Going around and around... 360 degrees

Because you have so many mixed emotions and can see things from all sides 

I also admire those who speak up every time something is bothering them so they don't let it build up until they explode 

These are skills I am working on acquiring

Intuition

 Intuition 

It took me years to trust it

I owe it to my friend Derek, RIP 

He helped teach me to trust myself 

People are readable 

And so is energy

Our emotions are our guiding system

 They work together with our intuition to send us messages

All you need to do is...

Be still

Be quiet 

Listen 

To your inner knowing 

All the answers are within you

Anxiety

It's our body telling us that something is not right 

Something is off with the place we are in

The people we are surrounded by 

Or maybe we are behaving in a way that is not aligned with our values 

Depression is our bodies way of telling us that we have not listened to our intuition for far too  long

I heard that you know it is intuition when it doesn't come from fear,shame, or guilt

And that is when everything clicked for me

Your head is loud

It operates from a place of fear, shame, guilt

Your intuition is quiet 

It operates from a place of peace

 Doing what is best for you

 Trying to get you to your best self 

 A higher frequency 

What I've come to realize is that not listening to your intuition is self abandonment 

I don't want to abandon myself anymore 

Society is fucked up

 Men are taught emotions are weakness 

Women are taught emotional intelligence 

Women are called "dramatic" or "too emotional" by men who don't know better

Women aren't crazy, we have been invalidated by men for so long..to the  point that they only listen when we are aggressive about it 

Men are praised for having sex

Women are chastised for it

Women are treated as we are less intellectually and physically 

Women are treated as objects, like we are only meant to be looked at and used

Not heard

Not valued

Men feel entitled to take what they want and discuss and objectify our bodies

This sends a clear message that women are not worthy of safety and respect 

Not even allowed to have the right to choose what to do with our own body (abortion rights)

Relationships

Relationships are tricky 

They can give you the highest of highs

And the lowest of lows

Make you feel like you are on top of the world

Or like you are in the gutter

It can feel like your happiness depends on finding and keeping a romantic partner 

But your happiness should never be put on the shoulders of one person 

I've only experienced relationships that left me feeling like they were extremely emotionally dependent on me or emotionally unavailable 

Nothing in between of those two extremes

When someone put too much pressure on it

I ran

It felt suffocating 

Like they expected me to be their whole world

Or they needed to be with someone, anybody...like it wasn't really about me

But then I fell for love bombing 

Somehow from some people, their enthusiasm felt like chemistry 

For others it felt like desperation 

But those who felt like chemistry didn't feel forced

They just felt fun, easy, carefree 

When feelings got real.. they ran

But

I rather that than the over dependence 

I rather silence than manipulation, control, and criticizing of my values/ who I am as a person

Or feeling guilty  for years because someone made me feel like I was responsible for their happiness 

I thought I was giving a chance to someone who was persistent and had genuine feelings in my last relationship 

But it ended up being a person who was an over dependent narcissist 

So, my question is how do you find those in the middle between emotionally overly dependent and emotionally unavailable?

At age 31

It seems like a difficult task to pursue 

Hopefully not impossible though 

Hopefully not impossible

Maybe I need to embody the person I seek 

And even just some trustworthy friends would be more than enough for me

Trauma

Trauma

I used to hate that word

It felt dramatic 

Yeah I've been through some shit 

But no not trauma

It wasn't that bad

I dismissed all of it

Because other people have it worse

I didn't see that ironically 

Dismissing it was a trauma response 

Sometimes trauma isn't loud 

It's not always being physically harmed

Sometimes it's losing your mom at way too young

Sometimes it's a thousand tiny paper cuts of ableism 

Whispers "what is wrong with her?"

"Why does her hand look so weird?" 

"Why does she walk like that? "

"She is using her disability as an excuse"

It's being ghosted by the first friend you had from preschool to age 14

Guys picking on you if they thought you liked them in middle school 

Because how embarrassing it is for the disabled girl to like you

Finding out one too many times that you cannot trust the people you thought you could 

Like not even your boss at work 

It's being excluded

Other times it is loud

It is being yelled at

Being made to feel like your responsible for other people's emotions 

When someone takes out being mad at themselves on you-projection 

It's small things that you accidentally forget to do because of your adhd being taken out of proportion 

And then being kicked out of your house and someone being mad at you for it

Being assumed you have bad intentions for how your brain works in a more forgetful manner 

Sometimes it's quiet like being ignored and misunderstood 

Sometimes it is loud like being taken advantage  of  and being made to feel like you are the problem 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

 I was 18 years old before I realized that other people saw me as pretty

 But still took years to really believe it, I remember telling my first bf " only you think that" when he tried to compliment me 

I remember being shocked that people wrote that they thought I was pretty in my yearbook senior year 

I never thought people could see past my CP/ shy girl  persona

Only few and far between got to see my true fun loving goofy self

I learned that making myself small, quiet, and nice made it so I got picked on less

But I sacrificed people getting to know who I really was

I thought  my baby dinosaur hand/  bad arm plus limp would disqualify me as beautiful on the outside so I focused on the inside 

Plus I look like I have a black eye if I don't have make up on lol

But that's the thing, people don't see your flaws the way you do

You may magnify them and make them qualify you as a reason that you are less attractive or worthy

But other people don't see it that way 

Sometimes your inner beauty shines through to your outer beauty 

To be able to look at yourself in the way that the people you love do would be a blessing 

You may just find the things you hate about yourself are actually what makes you so loveable 

Maybe your quirks and flaws are what makes you beautiful 

Because we all have imperfections 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that you are worthy just the way you are as your most authentic self 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that no one can hurt you with truth you have already accepted about yourself and/ or are working on improving