Relationships

Relationships are tricky 

They can give you the highest of highs

And the lowest of lows

Make you feel like you are on top of the world

Or like you are in the gutter

It can feel like your happiness depends on finding and keeping a romantic partner 

But your happiness should never be put on the shoulders of one person 

I've only experienced relationships that left me feeling like they were extremely emotionally dependent on me or emotionally unavailable 

Nothing in between of those two extremes

When someone put too much pressure on it

I ran

It felt suffocating 

Like they expected me to be their whole world

Or they needed to be with someone, anybody...like it wasn't really about me

But then I fell for love bombing 

Somehow from some people, their enthusiasm felt like chemistry 

For others it felt like desperation 

But those who felt like chemistry didn't feel forced

They just felt fun, easy, carefree 

When feelings got real.. they ran

But

I rather that than the over dependence 

I rather silence than manipulation, control, and criticizing of my values/ who I am as a person

Or feeling guilty  for years because someone made me feel like I was responsible for their happiness 

I thought I was giving a chance to someone who was persistent and had genuine feelings in my last relationship 

But it ended up being a person who was an over dependent narcissist 

So, my question is how do you find those in the middle between emotionally overly dependent and emotionally unavailable?

At age 31

It seems like a difficult task to pursue 

Hopefully not impossible though 

Hopefully not impossible

Maybe I need to embody the person I seek 

And even just some trustworthy friends would be more than enough for me