M

 Most emotionally intelligent man I ever dated 

Calm, cool, collected

Instant connection on the first date

We were straight vibing

Mid August to Mid September was a blast

But we were doomed from the start

You were planning to move in a couple months when I met you 

But I got lost in the fantasy 

I saw so much potential 

I pretended like it wasn't going to end

That we could stay in touch after you left

I was living in a daydream

Where we could be more than just a short lived fling

Recent Reflections

Recent Reflections: 

1. Lessons take time to implement and that's ok. I used to dwell on why it took me so long to practice what I preach (self compassion and boundaries). Old habits die hard and maybe that is ok. Maybe it's not about how long it takes but the journey along the way.

2. Healing is not linear. You know what Shrek said about onions? Healing is like that, peeling back layers.

3. Your head is loud and your intuition is quiet. Your head operates from a place of shame, guilt, or fear. Your intuition operates from a place of peace. Trust your intuition. For real,  like Nike says, "just do it."  You don't have to justify it, either. Feelings, energies.. they don't lie. Not getting a good vibe about something is enough of a reason.

4. Understanding the why is important but dwelling on it too long keeps you stuck, focusing on the way forward is where it is at

Emotional Dysregulation, ADHD, Communication

 One of the parts about ADHD that isn't talked about as much 

Is emotional dysregulation 

Our highs are higher 

Our lowes are lower

It's like a rollercoaster ride that you never can get off of

Triggers  can be hard to manage 

And it's like how is it possible to go from happy as clam to mad as the hulk

Or if you are a people pleaser ( in recovery ) like me, you learned that negative emotions are not acceptable 

It's not ok to express them

So they build up until...

All of sudden it's like a volcano 🌋 eruption 

And then you can realize it in an instant and can be back to calm, cool, and collected in no time 

It's really weird to experience or explain to those who haven't experienced the same phenomenon 

And this emotional dysregulation 

Makes it hard to communicate 

When you explode

You say too much 

You overwhelm the person on the other side 

Because you let yourself be overwhelmed for far too long

To be on the receiving end 

 It makes sense for people to be confused because you didn't let them know how hurt you were by the things they said or did

Or bringing up things again because you didn't feel fully seen or heard/ things didn't get resolved 

It makes sense if they retaliate 

It makes sense if they retreat 

But other times you did speak up, they just didn't listen 

They thought they could get away with doing the same thing because you have forgiven them before 

I admire those who can sit back and process before communicating

Instead of  doing donuts in expressing thoughts

 Or a hamster on a hamster wheel 

Going around and around... 360 degrees

Because you have so many mixed emotions and can see things from all sides 

I also admire those who speak up every time something is bothering them so they don't let it build up until they explode 

These are skills I am working on acquiring

Intuition

 Intuition 

It took me years to trust it

I owe it to my friend Derek, RIP 

He helped teach me to trust myself 

People are readable 

And so is energy

Our emotions are our guiding system

 They work together with our intuition to send us messages

All you need to do is...

Be still

Be quiet 

Listen 

To your inner knowing 

All the answers are within you

Anxiety

It's our body telling us that something is not right 

Something is off with the place we are in

The people we are surrounded by 

Or maybe we are behaving in a way that is not aligned with our values 

Depression is our bodies way of telling us that we have not listened to our intuition for far too  long

I heard that you know it is intuition when it doesn't come from fear,shame, or guilt

And that is when everything clicked for me

Your head is loud

It operates from a place of fear, shame, guilt

Your intuition is quiet 

It operates from a place of peace

 Doing what is best for you

 Trying to get you to your best self 

 A higher frequency 

What I've come to realize is that not listening to your intuition is self abandonment 

I don't want to abandon myself anymore 

Society is fucked up

 Men are taught emotions are weakness 

Women are taught emotional intelligence 

Women are called "dramatic" or "too emotional" by men who don't know better

Women aren't crazy, we have been invalidated by men for so long..to the  point that they only listen when we are aggressive about it 

Men are praised for having sex

Women are chastised for it

Women are treated as we are less intellectually and physically 

Women are treated as objects, like we are only meant to be looked at and used

Not heard

Not valued

Men feel entitled to take what they want and discuss and objectify our bodies

This sends a clear message that women are not worthy of safety and respect 

Not even allowed to have the right to choose what to do with our own body (abortion rights)

Relationships

Relationships are tricky 

They can give you the highest of highs

And the lowest of lows

Make you feel like you are on top of the world

Or like you are in the gutter

It can feel like your happiness depends on finding and keeping a romantic partner 

But your happiness should never be put on the shoulders of one person 

I've only experienced relationships that left me feeling like they were emotionally dependent on me or emotionally unavailable 

Nothing in between of those two extremes

When someone put too much pressure on it

I ran

It felt suffocating 

Like they expected me to be their whole world

Or they needed to be with someone, anybody...like it wasn't really about me

But then I fell for love bombing 

Somehow from some people, their enthusiasm felt like chemistry 

For others it felt like desperation 

But those who felt like chemistry didn't feel forced

They just felt fun, easy, carefree 

When feelings got real.. they ran

But

I rather that than the over dependence 

I rather silence than manipulation, control, and criticizing of my values/ who I am as a person

Or feeling guilty  for years because someone made me feel like I was responsible for their happiness 

I thought I was giving a chance to someone who was persistent and had genuine feelings in my last relationship 

But it ended up being a person who was an over dependent narcissist 

So, my question is how do you find those in the middle between emotionally overly dependent and emotionally unavailable?

At age 31

It seems like a difficult task to pursue 

Hopefully not impossible though 

Hopefully not impossible

Maybe I need to embody the person I seek 

And even just some trustworthy friends would be more than enough for me

Trauma

Trauma

I used to hate that word

It felt dramatic 

Yeah I've been through some shit 

But no not trauma

It wasn't that bad

I dismissed all of it

Because other people have it worse

I didn't see that ironically 

Dismissing it was a trauma response 

Sometimes trauma isn't loud 

It's not always being physically harmed

Sometimes it's losing your mom at way too young

Sometimes it's a thousand tiny paper cuts of ableism 

Whispers "what is wrong with her?"

"Why does her hand look so weird?" 

"Why does she walk like that? "

"She is using her disability as an excuse"

"She isn't capable of that "

It's being ghosted by the first friend you had from preschool to age 14

Guys picking on you if they thought you liked them in middle school 

Because how embarrassing it is for the disabled girl to like you

Finding out one too many times that you cannot trust the people you thought you could 

Like not even your boss at work 

It's being excluded

Other times it is loud

It is being yelled at

Being made to feel like your responsible for other people's emotions 

When someone takes out being mad at themselves on you-projection 

It's small things that you accidentally forget to do because of your adhd being taken out of proportion 

And then being kicked out of your house and someone being mad at you for it

Being assumed you have bad intentions for how your brain works in a more forgetful manner 

Sometimes it's quiet like being ignored and misunderstood 

Sometimes it is loud like being taken advantage of and being made to feel like you are the problem 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

 I was 18 years old before I realized that other people saw me as pretty

 But still took years to really believe it, I remember telling my first bf " only you think that" when he tried to compliment me 

I remember being shocked that people wrote that they thought I was pretty in my yearbook senior year 

I never thought people could see past my CP/ shy girl  persona

Only few and far between got to see my true fun loving goofy self

I learned that making myself small, quiet, and nice made it so I got picked on less

But I sacrificed people getting to know who I really was

I thought  my baby dinosaur hand/  bad arm plus limp would disqualify me as beautiful on the outside so I focused on the inside 

Plus I look like I have a black eye if I don't have make up on lol

But that's the thing, people don't see your flaws the way you do

You may magnify them and make them qualify you as a reason that you are less attractive or worthy

But other people don't see it that way 

Sometimes your inner beauty shines through to your outer beauty 

To be able to look at yourself in the way that the people you love do would be a blessing 

You may just find the things you hate about yourself are actually what makes you so loveable 

Maybe your quirks and flaws are what makes you beautiful 

Because we all have imperfections 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that you are worthy just the way you are as your most authentic self 

What a beautiful thing it is to realize that no one can hurt you with truth you have already accepted about yourself and/ or are working on improving 

Disability Pride 2025

 Whenever I post about disabilities it is to make this girl proud ( my younger self). She did not know how to speak up for herself. She did not know she was beautiful just the way she was.

I always felt like I had to work extra hard to prove I am just like everyone.To prove I am smart, capable,strong,and independent.

July is disability pride month and I'm not going to lie some days I am far from proud. Some days I have internal ableism " the only real disability is a bad attitude" and " others have it worse", I tell myself. The problem with this is that it minimizes my struggles .“Life as a disabled person is actually somewhat difficult. We do overcome some things. But the things that we’re overcoming are not the things that you think they are. They are not things to do with our bodies. I use the term “disabled people” quite deliberately, because I subscribe to what’s called the social model of disability, which tells us that we are more disabled by the society that we live in than by our bodies and our diagnoses.” Stella  Young

Some people have treated me as if I was less (intellectually and physically) for having CP. Other people forget I have CP and are harsh when I'm not living up to certain standards. While others call me " inspirational". Being called an inspiration is not the compliment you think it is though, it is objectifying disabiled people for the benefit of able bodied people, to say things could be worse. But, disability isn't a bad thing.

"Disability doesn’t make you exceptional, but questioning what you think you know about it does.”  Stella Young 

Without Cerebral Palsy I wouldn't be me. Cerebral palsy has given me a unique perspective and insights that I could not have gained any other way. 

“If there was a cure for cerebral palsy I would not do it because this is me, this is my life” Josh Blue

Abuse

 Abuse starts out slow

Subtitle insulting 

Tearing you down a little bit at a time 

Not all at once 

One minute they buy you flowers and chocolates 

They cook delicious meals and they clean your house for you

They tell you,  "you are amazing , beyond imagination"

The next minute they yell" you are a narcissist, who has multiple personalities," for not accepting their disrespect 

They may not hit you but they don't have to, being restrained or picked up against your will counts as physical abuse too

They tell stories about when they have hit before with other women so you know it's not beneath them

They apologize and say they will "never do it again "

And then they say it is your fault because you triggered them 

They dismiss their actions because it was due to alcohol 

And then it is your responsibility to stay because leaving will hinder their recovery 

When you set a boundary, they don't respect it, and they say that "you lack empathy" 

When you want your space, they say " you are selfish "

Manipulation and control in every action  

But only hindsight is 20/20 

It is not your fault 

It can happen to anyone 

You aren't accountable for their bad behavior 

You aren't responsible for their recovery 

You deserve better 

Love is meant to heal, not harm

Love is meant to be your safe place, not a prison cell

Reach out, get help, you are not alone

Derek

Leaving your house in NC in 2020

Conflict happened and I was bummed we weren't on good terms when I left

But we reconnected 

Now it's 2024

Stayed in touch

Planned to visit each other again one day

But what do you do when one day never happens?

You are gone now

I can't believe you were stabbed and murdered 

 I'm sad 

You were one of my favorite people 

You were there for me when I needed a friend the most

 You always encouraged me and gave me the best words of wisdom 

Thanks for helping me trust myself and my intuition. You told me to embrace that people are readable and comfortably stand my ground and I can never thank you enough for planting that seed.

I still have messages you sent to me that meant a lot: 

 "I hope that you are doing amazing, because you are one of a kind and deserve everything you want your life to be.  Our short time together has left a permanent mark on me, and I'm very thankful for the light you shined into my existence. I hope that you never falter from that, as I have, but I'm sure that you won't. everyone else sees your light too and it's magnificent to witness. You are the embodiment of what everyone is seeking but most will never find. I'm grateful for our time and memories, beyond measure."

"I need time with you right now, Taylor. I know that's impossible, but Tonight was the first impactful backtrack moment I've had identity wise, and you're pretty much the only person that could fully understand what I would need someone to understand by me saying that and pretty much the only person that could be what I would need

10/29/23, 6:46 AM

Derek

U can move in here if none of that works out, I dunno but from my perspective I would definitely love to be around someone that soaks up life and delivers the outcome in the way that u do. I lost it, gained it back. Lost it again, gained it back, and am here with it now but these people are fatiguing and you are a light that knows it without learning it and shows everyone how to not be what everyone is being

"But your fucking amazing in my book too. In everyone's book, guaranteed. I know what you are, and never doubt it."

 I love you and will miss you forever friend 

Trusting yourself

 I grew up thinking everyone knew better than me

Not trusting myself

Not trusting my intuition

Not trusting my capabilities

Thinking the way I did things and thought was wrong

But when I learned to tune out the opinions and perspective of the world

I realized...

The way I thought was out of the box but it was what made sense to me 

The way I did things were different

But it was what worked for me

All along I knew what was best for me

All I needed was to have faith in myself

To listen to my own intuition 

Because all of the answers were always within me

To figure things out in my own way 

And realizing this is most liberating feeling of my life

Healing

There is this saying we teach people how to treat us

But actually we were taught how to be treated

How are we supposed to know that people treat us how our body language shows how we feel about ourselves?

How are you supposed to know you are worthy when people treated you like you were less?

They told me I was shy

But how was I supposed to want to speak up when I felt ignored or misunderstood when I did?

They assumed I could not do things

But that was far from right

All I needed to do was adapt

Now I know better

But grief consumes me that it took so long

I blamed myself for not knowing sooner

But it was never my fault

And I never let people thinking I couldn't do something keep me from trying and never giving up 

Healing is a long messy process that I'm still figuring out

Love is love

I think it is cool when people are more attracted to the person not the gender. Like schitts creek when David said " I like the wine, not the label"

 Love is love

No matter the gender

It's a shame there is so much shame around sexuality

Disability and sexuality is even more taboo

Because of vulnerability

Women with disabilities are seen as too vulnerable for sex or need to be protected..But truth is we have the same wants and needs as everyone else

I think the most important thing is that both people are open and honest with what they need and want

And with whom

Girls, guys, both

It shouldn't matter

Love is love

And it's up to you to decide what is best for u

Suicide

Someone I'm close to brother just died by suicide

I want to help

But nothing will take the pain away

Nothing will bring him back

No way to comprehend

The pain and suffering someone must go through to feel the need to end their life

Leaving loved one's behind to grieve this loss

But it's not a selfish act

Depression is a terrible disease and at that point rationality has left your system, pain and suffering has taken over every thought

You may even feel like a burden and that your loved ones would be better off

It's your choice...its your life

But a devastating choice at that

Because often it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem

There is hope in a better tomorrow 

But you must believe it is possible

And never give up

There are so many resources out there to exhaust

If only the access was better

There are people who love you and would hate to see you go

So much to live for even if it is just in the gratitude for the little things

But hard to remember when you are going through a lot...easier said than done

And maybe not everyone can be cured

But all lives are worth trying to save

And we must always remember to be kind

We never know what someone is going through

And how much showing them that someone cares could mean to them

That they matter, they are worthy, they are loved

Remind people that the world is better because they are in it

It could even save a life

Anger

 Anger is a tricky thing to know how to deal with

Because we live in a world that tries to get you to suppress your emotions

Like emotions are  bad

Especially negative emotions 

But all emotions are needed

They all are our guiding system

Anger is just a part of us that loves us

That knows we were mistreated

And stands up for how we should be treated

But what if you suppressed it so long that you feel like you are going to explode?

Then you are angry with yourself too  for people pleasing, being a doormat,a push over

Then you have to grieve because now you know better

You were always allowed to be angry too

Now you know that other people's emotions were not your fault or responsibility

It's ok to see others perspective but just because you know why doesn't mean you should let them disrespect you

Even though other people assumed you had bad intentions when they were mad at you doesn't mean you have to be over understanding of their intentions

It's still not ok to hurt others because you are hurt

How people treat you has more to do with how they feel about themselves

Contradictory Desires

 A feeling of restlessness always lingers with me

A need for change

How much of my wanderlust and dreams to travel is just escapism though?

Contradictory desires consume my thoughts

Adventure and travel vs Stability

Comfort of finding my person and having a family versus freedom

Which are my desires and which ones are desires that the world taught me to want?

Which would be more fulfilling?

Fears of feeling trapped by commitment and responsibilities. Fear of missing out also.  But i can also see the cons of always being on the run from these things.

And maybe you can have both family and adventure by going on adventures with your family and having a family is an adventure in itself 

 A quote from Into the Wild has stuck with me...Happiness is only real when shared. After a life pursuing his dreams of living in the wild of Alaska... he comes to the realization of how much happiness is determined by time spent with people you have meaningful connections with.

Maybe I romanticize living a nomadic lifestyle/ traveling too much

But also want purpose and meaning

Being a preschool teacher does this for me but I can feel burnt out from it too.

 It always has me thinking of the pros and cons to having kids of my own.  Fear of commitment responsibility or freedom being taken away even keeps me from thinking about getting a dog sometimes lol

Or maybe it is a fear of it not happening, not finding my person, not being good enough, not having my mom to help... because parenting seems all consuming and never ending but I love children and the rewards would probably outweigh the challenges

Pursuing a career in counseling is fulfilling, is a path that will lead to purpose and meaning

So why do I find myself daydreaming of other lives I could have chosen where I could be traveling right now instead?

I guess the commitment and serious ness to it all

The grass is always greener on the other side

I can probably find opportunities to travel while helping people with their mental health when I graduate 

Just have to be patient

Sometimes it is just hard to picture my future and decide what I want. I think my fears are the barriers to that.

Never want to make choices purely over practicality... my imagination is to big for that. I dream of an extraordinary life. But there is also privilege I have in this that makes me feel greedy for these desires.

And maybe the amount of extraordinary things that happen to you depend on what you pay attention to.

Always a reminder to be thankful for what I have and find the beauty and excitement in where I am now in the present moment. Magic in the mundane to keep me sane.

A balance between letting things happen if/ when they are meant to and manifesting what I want

Barriers

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.~ Rumi

 My barriers are trust:

Trusting people to tell the truth

Trusting that it is only worth going where you are wanted

Trusting the right person will come along

Trusting I can depend on people and letting go of the hyper independent attitude I sometimes have because I had to work so hard to gain it 

Trusting that the feeling is mutual

Trusting that I don't have to alway be the first to text, call or make plans

Trusting people to stay even when they see all my flaws, people won't always let me down when I rely on them

Trusting my worth

Trusting myself to be able to keep my balance

Trusting I can be happy to love but not let my happiness depend on love

Trusting I can still feel free to be me and not feel smothered with the responsibility of someone else's happiness

To trust letting my guard down without risking all the strength I've built 

Trusting I can find love while staying secure , happy, and independent within my most authentic self

Trusting my love won't stop me from making my travel dreams come true and maybe even find someone to do it with

Seeking and finding my barriers & accepting what has kept me from finding love is the first steps to tearing down those barriers and manifesting more love in my life

But not trusting others too easily either, it must be earned

What barriers do you have that keeps you from loving as much as you could?

Just like everyone else

I've always felt Iike I had to try so hard to prove my worth

To prove I am smart 

To prove I am capable

To prove I am independent

To prove I am strong

To prove I am just like everyone else

To prove I am more...

More than the shy girl

More than the nice girl

More than the girl with CP

I am more than just one dimension

I am more than an inspirational story

I am not your inspiration porn

And I am no where close to being a saint

I can be loud and outgoing

I can be funny and spontaneous

I can be mischievous and rebellious

I can be a smart ass and even an asshole sometimes

All the things that anyone else can be

The good and the bad

I am just like everyone else 

No better or worse

But nonetheless worthy

Just like everyone else

Stories In Our Head

 It's funny we all make up stories in our heads about what people are thinking and why they do the things that they do and most of the time they aren't even true. We can't go in each others heads and see what people are thinking and feeling or walk in each others shoes to see what they have experienced. Yet we believe assumptions over asking and recieving each others truths. Maybe we don't always tell our full truths to ourselves though. We also tend to judge others on their behaviors but judge ourselves on our intentions.