Impact

 You never really know the impact of your words, actions, moments, connections sometimes until much later if ever. Every word, action, moment leads to something- an infinite amount of possibilities , leaving ripple effects for an infinite amount of time, the butterfly effect. Small things can have huge impacts. Actions lead to behaviors that make up pieces of who we are and moments lead to minutes, hours and days that make up our life.

Positive thoughts, words, and good deeds can matter to people more than you think and have positive impact on others lasting much longer than you think. The compliment or feeling of love and appreciation can stick with someone much longer than you realize. You never know what someone is going through and a little bit of positivity could have meant a lot and made more of a difference than you believe. But the same goes with negative words, action, or deeds. These can also impact people a lot longer than you think causing feelings of inadequacy or depression, or distrust and etc. Even deeds you do unintentionally causing harm, despite your better judgement because you let emotions take you over or logic leave your system can last longer than you thought or cause more negativity than expected. No matter how much you wish you could take it back it already left its mark and impacted your life. Even something  small can be a huge mistake and lead to castrostropic and devastating results like a loss of a life,job, home or even not so huge mistakes can change someone's perspective of you and lead to a loss of a friendship.

Connections, moments, compliments or acts of  kindness and etc can mean more to or impact  some people more than others. Some people say what they are feeling in the moment but the feeling doesn't last, while other people say it and mean it more unconditionally or less easily wavered to change their feelings about someone. Even when feelings or connections don't last, that doesn't mean that they are any less real, meaningful or impactful. 

Since we don't know the way our actions and words can impact others at what extent and the ripple effects, the best thing to do is to be as intentional as possible with your actions to make sure you leave a positive impact on the people and places of this world that you touch. If everyone really considered how much their actions impact this world and the ripple effect of intentionally trying to have a positive impact, the world would be a much better place to live in.

Note to self: Don't be so hard on yourself

 Sometimes the hardest person to forgive is yourself because : 

And this is why you have to go easy on yourself, you are stuck with you and at the end of the day you are all you got. The only one who you can't leave is you.

It can be hard to forgive yourself when your mistakes caused harm to others, caused you to lose a job or lose a friend.

But beating yourself up and dwelling on your mistakes does nothing to help. 

You deserve all the forgiveness and love you give so easily to other people.

Don't go so easy on yourself that you make the same mistakes and never learn your lesson but don't punish yourself forever either.

You can't rewind and start over to undo your mistakes. 

All you can do is learn from them, grow, improve and do better next time.

The universe has a way of throwing the same challenges your way until the lesson is learned or triggering the same wounds until you learn to heal your wound and respond with peace and not react with the insecurities of your ego.

Some of my wounds I am learning to heal from and not trigger me are feelings of being misunderstood, ignored, or abandoned.

What do you need to forgive yourself for and wounds do you still need to heal?

Answering these questions will help you forgive yourself and others, become a better person, and live a more peaceful and fulfilling life.

Forgiveness

 Some people see forgiveness as weakness

I think it is quite the opposite

It takes more strength to forgive than hold a grudge

It takes empathy, kindness, and compassion

It brings peace to the other person to know that you no longer are angry with them

That you accept their apology, leave it in the past, and understand that like you, they are only human

They are imperfect and make mistakes

Forgiveness helps the person you are forgiving, sure but..

Forgiveness is often something you should do more for yourself

To not waste time and energy holding a grudge and letting anger control your actions and behaviors

Forgiveness is saying that "your actions, words and behaviors no longer have power over me or my emotions"

Forgiveness is saying " I rather live in a beautiful state of happiness, love, and peace"

I have never been one to hold a grudge

I am all for forgiveness, love, light and second chances

Although forgiveness doesn't mean you have to give that person a second chance

If you have given too many chances before 

They continue to take advantage of your kind heart  

Only continue to hurt you and do the same thing over and over again out of bad intentions

Then you have every right to cut them off

Some people never channge

But some do 

Some use their mistakes to grow and improve

Maybe second chances can't be handed out freely 

Maybe they have to be earned

My motto has always been if their apology is genuine

They prove they have learned, grown, and improved 

And they care about making it right, then giving another chance is okay

It can take a lot of strength but it can be worth it to give that person grace 

Because you would want the same grace shown to you when you unintentionally hurt someone you care about too

We all hurt each other at times, sometimes even unintentionally.

It all about finding/deciding the people who deserve forgiveness because they have shown forgiveness to you too

If that person brings you happiness, light, love and supports your growth

 I say hold on to them 

Don't let accidents or unintentional harm cause you to lose a valuable bond

Those types of people can be rare to find

But if they only drain your soul and bring drama and negativity to your life

Then let them go

Forgive but don't let them to continue hurt you

You deserve so much more

You deserve happiness, love, peace, positivity and people who want to see you shine

You deserve those who want to water you to help you grow, improve, and make all of your wildest dreams come true

Carry the World on Your Shoulders

 A friend told me today "You can't carry the world on your shoulders"

And it hit me on how true that it is for me

I over care, over worry and over love

I try to hold space for the problems of the whole world

My empathy causes me to want to help everyone with everything all the time

But that is not possible for one person to do

And you can only help those who want to be helped

It is also important for people to learn to help themselves

Sometimes when people say "Focus on yourself" it feels selfish to me

I'm laid back, easy going, and it doesn't take much to make me happy

I also have the means to help others that some may not so it is hard to not want to help when I can

I guess it is all about finding the balance when you are stretching yourself to thin that you are emotionally burning yourself out

Because not everyone has the same heart and although reciprocation is not always needed, there is a point where your cup is empty and you have nothing left to give

And that is when you know you need to fill your own cup up and find the people who water you so you both can grow

Conflict and Communication

 Communication and conflict resolutions are very important in relationships of all types: family, friendships, work relationships and significant others. 

 But everyone has different communication styles and ways they handle conflict. They say you don't really know a person until you see how they handle conflict, and it is kinda crazy how true that is. There is also that saying that there is no winning and losing in an argument, the goal is to come to a mutual understanding and if not, you both lose. I think that is true also.

 It is hard when one person likes to talk things out when things happen and can't stand to leave things on bad terms while the other person needs space and time to analyze the situation and come to their own conclusions.

 With some topics things can be communicated with actions better and words are not necessary, other times body language can tell you all that you need to know. Some things are better left unsaid while other times not saying things leads to bottled up emotions and they end up coming out in a more heated way. 

Sometimes you make assumptions and think you have the ability to read minds better than you do and you end up making up a false story in your head. But humans don't really have the ability to mind read, although that would be nice and make communication a million times easier. I feel like when in doubt it is better to just ask for clarification rather than assume.

But trust is also needed when it comes to communication, if you can't believe a word they say..communicating with them is pointless. Or if what you say is just going to go in one ear then out the other than their is no point either. Both people have to be willing and open to what people have to say for the communication to be successful. Each person also has to be willing to listen to understand, not listen to respond. To be heard, you must also give the mutual respect of hearing the other person. Some people are committed to misunderstanding you though.

With solving conflict it is important to remember we all are just human, we all make mistakes. We all must be able to admit our own mistakes and flaws and to have our mistakes forgiven we must forgive the other person too and realize that they are only human too.

Cut off

I've never been the one to be able to cut people off or block

I guess for other people they just lose respect for that person when they go too far and they can't go back

Not me

I have too much compassion and empathy

It is a blessing and a curse

I know nothing is as personal as it seems

How other people treat you is a reflection of how they feel about themselves

 

Why do I have to care so much more than others?

Why does someone being mad at me or not wanting to be friends with me anymore drive me absolutely crazy?

Do I have a fear of an abandonment or attachment issues because my mom died when I was young and I never really had many close friends?

Is it because I never felt like I fit in because of my disability and that made me have low self esteem?

Is it anxiety or my ADHD?

Probably a mix of everything

 

I learned long ago that nothing is promised or guaranteed

We don't own people and they owe us nothing

Love, friendships, connections are about appreciation not ownership.

Relationships work better when you focus on what you can give rather than what you gain

 

 

Sometimes I'm ok with not conforming

To the norms and expectations of society

Being my authentic overly loving self

Because no one is useless who lightens the burden for others to bare

Maybe I was just put on this earth to serve others

And you tend to be happier, at peace and in the present moment when you are helping others

Not focusing on yourself

 

But others times it feels lonely

Sometimes you get burnt out if you are not taking the time to fill your own cup

To be one of few to care so much

And I wish I could be the type to be able to stop caring more easily

Cut people off

Stand up for myself in what I deserve as well as I do for others

You are supposed to love yourself first and be okay on your own

But i feel like there is a limit on how much one person can take on, on their own

You can get sick of always having to be strong and independent

 

We are only human and we need each other, we are social creatures 

We need to be surrounded by positive, supportive people who help us grow  

Because we were made for love, belonging, and connection

 Update2025: It feels damn good to be able to cut people off when needed.

Star Stuff

 

There is a fundamental reason why we look at the sky with wonder and longing — for the same reason that we stand, hour after hour, gazing at the distant swell of the open ocean. There is something like an ancient wisdom, encoded and tucked away in our DNA, that knows its point of origin as surely as a salmon knows its creek. Intellectually, we may not want to return there, but the genes know, and long for their origins—their home in the salty depths. But if the seas are our immediate source, the penultimate source is certainly the heavens… The spectacular truth is—and this is something that your DNA has known all along—the very atoms of your body—the iron, calcium, phosphorus, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and on and on—were initially forged in long-dead stars. This is why, when you stand outside under a moonless, country sky, you feel some ineffable tugging at your innards. We are star stuff. Keep looking up.

Jerry Waxman

Toxic

People are always like that person is bad or that person is toxic. 

This term is used so loosely

I don't think I believe in that.

Besides some circumstances where people refuse to change 

I don't think most people are  bad or toxic

People aren't black and white

Good or bad

They are more complicated than that

 I think people are just broken because what they have been through in their past.

We are all a little broken maybe because we all have gone through hard experiences or tough circumstances. 

Maybe the people who we think are bad or toxic really just have poor coping mechanisms and they haven't accepted or taken responsibility for their pain, to turn it into something good.

There are just reasons why people became the way they did

It is each person's responsibility to use the pain you have been through as lessons to grow from

Even though your trauma is not your fault

It doesn't give you the right to harm others

It is still up to you to get through it

And make your life what you want it to be

Do you want to be someone others think are bad or toxic?

Do you want it to be a negative cycle of blame and anger?

Or do you choose forgiveness, peace, and happiness?

It is easier said than done

And it will be a long road with a lot of bumps a long the way

But it will be worth it in the end

When you confront your inner demons and insecurities

With grace, forgiveness and self compassion

And try to grow from every experience and mistake made

Then you are more likely to treat other people the same way

And when you are more aligned with yourself and others, you attract the vibes that you desire

It all starts with you

Update 2025: Understanding why someone's behavior is toxic doesn't mean you have to hold space for it and yourself be impacted negatively by it.

Silver lining

 I may feel things too intensely but it is better than feeling nothing at all, empty.

I may feel great sadness but I also feel immense happiness

I may wear my heart on my sleeve but it is better than bottling things up

I may be too forgiving but it is better than letting anger eat me alive.

I may care too much but it's better than being controlled by ego and selfish desires

Silver lining

Guarded

I try to guard my heart

Not open up too quicky

And let people in

Be feircly independent

Never ask for help

Always be ok

By myself

Because I've been let down so many times before

I know once I care there is no going back

I care too deeply

I feel too much

I forgive too easily

Once I open up

I overshare

I over worry

I over love

Why do my feelings have to be so intense?

Everything is go big or go home

Why can't I do anything or be anything in moderation?

I go all in because happiness is only real when shared 

Or I say fuck people, the only person you can't leave is yourself so be someone who you can be happy with spending 24/7 with

And it only matters if you are at peace with yourself

How do you find the balance?

To trust in people but not rely on them too much?

To be secure, happy, and independent on your own without building up your walls too much?

Letting your guard down without risking all the strength you built up within yourself?

But we are social creatures and relationships play a huge role in our happiness

I've been on the other side too where others seem to rely on me for happiness too much also

Let it Go

Go with the flow

Let it go

Let things happen

Let people be free

Maybe it wasn't meant to be

Float down stream

Sometimes easier said than done

When meaningful memories float in your head

Appreciate it for what it was

Paths that crossed

A rare connection

A beautiful friendship 

Many profound lessons learned

Advice that will last a life time

Memories to cherish

A feeling of gratitude to feel seen, understood and valued 

Even if only for a moment

A helping hand in a time of need

A shining light in a dark place

Good vibes and chemistry

As I float on

I silently cheer on the ones

Who fly in a different direction.

Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe they won't

But I will always wish them the best

 For them to have a beautiful life

And for all their dreams come true

Space

Space is important

Everyone needs their own space

Space to breathe

Space to think

Space to be themselves

But space can be hard to give when you're anxious

When you feel alone

When you are in a bad mental state

Or sick of always having to be strong and independent

When you don't want to lose a great connection

When you want to fix

But fixing doesn't happen right away

Sometimes it takes time

And that's ok

This is another lesson I'm learning

Work in progress for sure

What do you do?

What do you do when you meet someone who you connect with more in 2 weeks than anyone you have ever met before? You can spend 24/7 with them without getting annoyed. You talk of topics such as the universe, science, relationships, psychology, and everything in between. You listen to each other's perspectives and learn from each other. You share each other's past and you both have gone through a lot so you get each other. You talk about your dreams and you get each other's humor and joke and laugh for hours. You become best friends and there is a chemistry like none other. In those two weeks he tells you that he loves you as a person, he feels something with you that he did not feel with his ex that he spent a decade with, you meet his family twice and he raves about how much they love you and he says he can see y'all being friends forever. Both of you have bad past experiences with relationships so you don't want labels, you simply want to go with the flow and enjoy each other's company. At times you don't feel like you deserve someone who enjoys spending so much time with you because you have rarely had that before. You are blown away by how much he goes out of his way to help you, offers up his home when you are in need with out any questions asked and lets you be a part of his family when you can't see your own. Because that kindness has not been shown to you before.  And the way he looked at you and smiled like he was looking straight into your soul and not just looking at your body, wasn't something you often experienced.

But then you become a distraction when he has to work. Tension rise and you do things and say things you don't mean. You would give anything to go back and do things differently to not cause harm, you can't stop thinking of the things you would do differently to only be the positive light he so deserves because that is what he has been to you. And you are impulsive and text him non stop because little things remind you of the great experiences you had and memories are floating in your head. You miss him. But not just him, all the amazing people you met through him- roommates and friends and his family. And his dog and even the racoon he caught when you were going on a hike. But he blocks you because you didn't give him the space he asks for.  What do you do?

You are thankful for the experience, more so than 2 weeks should ever mean to someone. You send good vibes his way and hope for the best. You pray to the universe with space and time, you can reconnect. And even if no reconnect happens, you wouldn't take those 2 weeks back because you gained so much than you could have ever imagined from being around a person you connect with that much. He made you feel valued, loved, appreciated, understood and for that you will always be thankful for. The memories will always be with you.

And I can use this experience to help others.

“Everything that is tearing us down today will become a memory, and this memory will be shared as an anecdote or a story or a poem or a play or a warning. It will be shared with another human being, who will then understand that he is not alone in his sadness. This is why we show up for others and tell our tales and listen to others. The great congregation meets daily, and you are someone’s angel today.”

Darkness to Light

Hello Darkness, my old friend
Why do we have to meet again
Depression is heavy
Like a big black bear sitting on your chest
It is like being lost in a cave
It is like the bitter cold on a winter night
The warmth of the fire inside can't even help
It is negative thoughts and feelings
That can't even be chased away with gratitude
It is knowing others have it worse
But that just leads to guilt
It is a desperate desire to fight to feel better
But a lack of motivation and energy to do what needs to be done

It is only when you learn to surrender and sit with the feeling
That you even have a fighting chance

And with acceptance comes the light
Feeling better is like seeing a rainbow through the clouds
A glimpse of colors amongst the dark
The light comes slowly
And then all at once
Like headlights blaring in your face as a car comes towards you on a deserted road at night
Like accidentally staring at the sun on a bright sunny day without sunglasses on
It is the feeling of the warmth on your skin on the first day of Spring
The weight is suddenly lifted, with a sigh of relief
A intense feeling of gratitude to feel light as a feather
Thankful that the lightness brings the ability to laugh so hard that your belly hurts
And the voice to sing again
Or do a silly dance

And then you vow to never let yourself spiral so far down in the cave ever again

Home

Home is:
The smell of pluff mud in the marsh
Going across the Ravenel bridge at sunrise and being amazed at the vibrant colors
It is palm trees swaying in the breeze
And the taste of honeysuckles in spring

And a little bit of southern charm,"bless your heart"
It is the sand between your toes, the smell of salt water, the warmth on your face and wind in your hair as you watch the waves roll in and out on Folly beach
And always funky vibes and laid back beach bums

It is jamming out to Grateful Dead music or reggae vibes at The Pour House and going to the Sunday brunch Markets on weekends.

It is strawberry picking in the Spring

It is the taste of boiled peanuts at a river dogs game and watching fireworks on 4th of July
It is oyster roasts and riding carnival rides at the fair in North Charleston in the fall
And don't forget fright night at boone hall
It is the festival of lights on James Island in the winter and wearing shorts on Christmas Eve because it is still 80 degrees

It is watching sweetgrass baskets being made  at the market downtown and learning about Gullah
Taking a stroll to the battery, admiring the colors or rainbow row and dipping your toes in the pineapple fountain

It is the rich history of  the holy city ,pirates, plantations, and unfortunately slavery but beautiful architecture

It is the taste of shrimp and grits melting in your mouth and sweet muscadine wine from Deep Water Vineyard

It is sweet childhood memories of growing up in one of the top tourist destinations and taking for granted what a unique and beautiful place it is until you grow up and know what it is like to live somewhere else

Favorite moments in Africa

When I think of Africa I think of:
Waking up to the sound of Lions roaring in the distance
Feeling the rough skin of an Elephants back
Hearing a cheetah pur as I pet it's spot
Walking to breakfast and seeing giraffes eating leaves off trees in the distance
The speed of cheetah racing past me
A green iguana laying on my hand
Finding out that hippos can swin fast when  protecting their territory
The brightest reds, yellows, and oranges that I've ever seen in a sunset
The sight of a pack of lions waking up from a nap at Kruger national park
Standing up on a surf board for the first time
The adrenaline rush of jumping off a cliff
Swimming with dolphins right beside me
Walking through the blue city
The taste of mint tea
Riding a camel in the Saharan Desert &
Gazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen before
 Playing soccer with little children and their smiling faces of grattitude
Yeah I could get use to this
These are some of  the moment I felt most alive
I need to go back

Cliff jumping

Climbing up a mountain
The anticipation killing me
And then
Going up a rickety ladder
Fearing for my life
It would be so easy to fall right now
But then the warm embrace of arms helping me up
Standing on the edge of cliff
Contemplating if I want to jump
Feeling excitement and fear at the same time
Should I jump?
What if I don't jump far enough and fall on a rock?
So many questions swirling in my head
Pats on the back and encouraging words
 " You can do this" they say
Oh gosh, here goes nothing
I jump
Wow, will I ever hit the water
splash
What a relief
I did it!
I'm proud
So this is what it feels like to be alive
"Please let me never forget this feeling" I think to myself

Surfing for the first time

The rush of excitement as I stand up for my first time on a surf board
The feeling of gliding in the waves as they come crashing towards the shore
And the smell of salt water
The sounds of cheers encouraging me on
And in Mozambique of all place,
When I grew up by Folly Beach?
I felt alive
"Yeah this is what I want more of in my life" I thought to myself

Cheetahs in South Africa

Did you know a cheetah pur's, yeah just like a cat
Imagine that
The feeling of the fur as I pet her spots
Who would ever thought that I would get to pet a cheetah
And hear it's soft pur
Pass the ball around with one, like it's a house cat
And learn how to make their food
The fear and bewilderment that stirs inside
When i drop his plate of food and whip away before he eats me instead
Being able to watch them speed past me at 58 miles per hour
So sureal, what else can I say?

The Saharan Desert

Bouncing up in down on a camels back
As he strolls through the desert
Tents in the distance
And then we arive
The smell of vegetables and meat cooking on a fire, this meal called Tagine
The warmth of the fire on my skin
After dinner listen to drums beating away in a drum circle
And then going to lay on a log and I see
Brilliant bright stars shining brighter than I ever seen before
The taste of peppermint tea still in my mouth
The sound of camels snoring in the distant
The feeling of the wind on my face and sand in between in my toes
Amazement welling up inside me
Is this real?
I can't believe I am laying beneath the stars of the Saharan dessert right now
Did I really ride a camel to get here?
Life is pretty wild sometimes
I want to keep this moment forever

Lonliness

Loneliness is longing for a warm embrace
Holding a hand, giving a hug, or a forehead kiss
It is yearning for deep conversation
To be seen, heard, and understood

Hope is day dreaming about what you would want in someone
Someone who memorizes every freckle and sees every scar but doesn't run away
Someone who embraces every flaw and imperfection but focuses on your strengths instead
Always builds you up and never judges
Lights up when they see you and misses you when you are away
Always makes you laugh even when you are sad and lets you be yourself
No matter how much of a dork you are

Optimism is imagining what it could be like next time
It comes easy, never forced
It doesn't end in heart break
It is not all consuming or smothering
It ignites the soul and puts the heart at ease
It is sharing dreams, desires, and visions of the future
It feels safe, like coming home

Emotions

Emotions are weird
To get out of one of my worst seasonal depression episodes only  for a pandemic to happen right after.
To get laid off and now have to much free time to contemplate.
 There is fear of the unknown.
 And heart break for those struggling around you
 Guilt for not struggling as much as others
A desire to help but a helpless feeling it is not enough
 A realization of how much you took for granted.
 Admiration and appreciation for essential workers.
Anxiousness for life to get back to normal.
And a profound thankfulness for health, a safe place to stay, sunshine, life itself.

Disability Awareness: Leaving Behind Ignorant Assumptions

To be disabled does not mean you lack abilities
 It means we are able to do things but just differently
It doesn't mean to be capable of less
It means to be adaptable

To have an intellectual disability does not mean one is not smart
It just means to learn differently and at your own pace
Having a physical disability does not mean you have a intellectual one too

People with disabilities are still capable
Of intelligence
Capable of being athletic
Capable of independence
Capable of success
Often even more capable of love
Of kindness & acceptance
Patience & optimism
Compassion & empathy
Persistence & determination
Because of the obstacles we face

Broaden your vocabulary
Don't use the R word
An ignorant word that under minds a whole community of beautiful and loving people
Handicapped is not appropriate either
Person-first language is in
Or rather just call us by our names
We are not our disability
We are so much more
People are so much more than thier apperance and their flaws
So much more than a label
We are our personalities
We are out characteristic traits
We are our passions
And we are our strengths
We are perfect just the way we are

What Other People Think

Is it really best to not care what others think of you?
Maybe it is more of a balance of caring about the constructive criticism of loved ones
But not for the insults of those whose only goal is to boost their own ego

If I didn't care at all what others think of me then I wouldn't consider how others are effected by my actions

The world doesn't revolve around me
And I wouldn't want it to
I rather love selflessly enough to not always expect something in return

I want my laugh to be contagious
I want to be a light house that shows people the way back home to who they really are
I want to be a disco ball that shines with so much positivity that it makes other people feel positive too
I want to be a sun that radiates so much warmth that it reminds others what their is too love about themselves

 I heard a quote one time that said "Happiness only exists when shared"
 But the person you spend the most time with is yourself
Why not become someone you can be happy to spend all your time with?

But happiness is definitely expanded when shared
When love grows for ourselves, the love also grows in all of our relationships
And when the quality of our relationships grows, happiness and well being does too
Humans are made for connection, love, and belonging

In Someone Else's Shoes

The heels of the movie star as she walks down the runway at a lavish award ceremony
The Jordan's of a professional basketball player as he dribbles the ball up the court
The boots of a fire fighter running into a burning house to put out a fire
The loafers of a doctor saving a life in a heart transplant surgery
The old beat up sneakers of of a homeless man begging for food on the streets of New York City
Or the lack of shoes of the monk in India meditating on a mountain
To put yourself in someone else's shoes
The vastness in the human experience
To go inside another mind to see how it works
Why are they the way they are?
How did they become that way?
My one perspective so limiting
When there is so much out there
Sonder
To realize that everyone has a life as complex as one's own
Taking place at the same time as one own life
With intricacies that one is unaware of
To travel and to exchange stories with everyone you meet
Glimpses of other people's worlds comes to life
And growth of knowledge, understanding and compassion is unintentionally gained

Together in Our Humaness

Together In Our Humanness

My day-to-day issues, 

worries, and insecurities

are so small. 

If I put down my ego,

I realize

I am so lucky:

for where I was born

for a family who provided for me

for opportunities to learn 

and provide for myself.

I have so much to be thankful for.

But how selfish 

is the society we live in, 

to have so much 

but not be willing to share our wealth?

There are so many people 

in so many countries,

including our own:

in despair

homeless

starving

and now dying of coronavirus,

with little hope for their future.

We are all one in our humanness.

No need to let borders and diversity 

create distance between us.

Instead we should share our good fortune, 

take care of one another,

take care of our environment 

of depleting resources and endangered species.

Sharing our wealth 

is needed more than ever now.

But in times like these,  

it gives me at least a little peace

to see people who have the means 

coming together to help those in need,

to fight corona.

We are all in this together.

I Want To Be Someone I Admire

I want to be someone I admire
The most distinguishable difference between who I am and the peope I admire
are that they are actively pursuing their dreams, their passions, their desires.
They are ruthlessly in prioritizing their goals
I have never had a dusty imagination full of cobwebs
My challenge has been the opposite of too many dreams, places to go, things to do
Which one should I choose?
The world opens up to those who are decesive
Those who block out the overwhelming noise of the world telling you what to do and who to be
Those who don't listen to the opinions of others
Those who don't go by society's standards or timelines
But those who only listen to their own intuition
Not everyone can be a famous athlete, superstar, or president
Not everyone can be the person to solve word hunger, find world peace, or find a cure to cancer
But if everyone thought that way no one would try
There would be no change makers
The world would be a much sadder place
Life is short, no time for passive lethargy
To make a difference, I must put my ego away and use my gifts to serve the world
Take responsibility and actively participate in making the most of my experience of this one precious life
That is what it would take to be someone I admire
I want to be someone I admire

Comparisons

Comparison is:
the thief of joy
a never ending battle
a waste of time
But it is human nature
Hard to avoid when it is all around us
In the highlight reel of everyone's life on social media
The grass always looks greener on the other side

I sometimes imagine what would it be like:
To be someone who lights up a room
To have a captivating energy that catches everyone's attention
To be someone everyone wants to be like
Confidence made to seem as easy as breathing
Talent and beauty at their feet
What a dream

But then I realize that maybe there is always more to one's life than may seem
Everyone struggles with something
Everyone has flaws and everyone has gifts
Everyone has their own beauty
And other's beauty does not take away from your own


I realize to immediately stop my thought when a comparison comes and replace it with a thankful one
Through the hardships the beautiful moments are able to be felt more deeply
And to be beautiful, is to be one's self: quirks, flaws, and all

Glowing comes from being comfortable in your own skin
Lighting up a room comes from living your truth and becoming your most authentic self
Captivating energy comes through using one's gifts to make the world a better place
The world needs everyone
No talent, thought, act of kindness insignificant
There will always be someone who needs what you have to give

Dreamer

I am a dreamer
Hopelessly always dreaming of far away places
 Desperately having wonderlust and fear of missing out
Yearning to travel
To see the world
Experience new cultures
Meet new people
Make a difference in the world
Go on endless adventures
Hike the tallest mountains
Scuba dive in the bluest oceans
Sky dive from the highest airplanes 
Feel the adrenaline rush of excitement
Seek new thrills in every place I go
Learn new skills, languages, and talents
There are so many things to do in this world
So many people to meet
And experiences to have
It is exciting
And it is daunting
To want to do it all
There are northern lights shining in the sky right now somewhere in the world
Camels roaming in the Saharan Desert
A pack of Lions waking up from a nap at Kruger National Park
Cheetahs racing in the plains of South Africa
Dolphins swimming in the Gulf of Mexico
But there is something profoundly soothing in knowing all of these miraculous things exist
Maybe that is in and of itself enough
In and of itself, knowing these amazing things exist is pretty spectacular
The world has so much to offer
Rather than be discouraged, I choose to be inspired of all the possibilities to make the most of this one beautiful life

I Am Still That Kid

All I want is to be:
loved
seen
understood
& belong

But Isn't that what everyone wants?

Then why are we so quick to judge
hurt each other
put each other down
and criticize?

Instead of building each other up
Encouraging one another
Loving and accepting each other unconditionally
Giving each other what we know we desperately need and want?

As the saying goes "Treat others how you want to be treated"
But what if I don't treat myself so well?
What if the way I talk to myself isn't so kind?

I was given advice one time that I should imagine myself as a child:
Young, innocent, and beaming with curiosity about the world

Would I want to tell my chubby checked, happy go lucky younger self that she is unlovable?
Would I want to tell the little girl who always had a smile on her face while she climbed trees and played in the dirt that she is ugly?

Would I want to tell the kid who ate a whole cone of chocolate chip mint ice cream, with out a second thought other than the fact that it would bring her joy that she is unworthy because the body she has been given?

Would I tell this kid that she is not enough?

No, that would be absurd

I would want to tell her:
She is beautiful
She is worthy
She is loved
She is enough

I would want to tell her that she is capable
Capable of hiking up mountains with those little legs
Holding mom's homemade pancakes with that chubby tummy
Singing beautiful songs with those lips even if a bit tone deaf
Dancing to the beat of her own wacky drum
Giving bear hugs with those skinny arms
And walking on all 7 continents with those tiny feet even if it is with a little bit of a limp

I would tell this silly kid who loved to wear rugrats t-shirts & purple fanny packs, and stick out her tongue in pictures that she will flourish
That she will grow up to be a kind, compassionate, and successful human being
That she is safe to be her perfectly imperfect, goofy, awkward self and live her most authentic life
That she is safe to dream the biggest, wildest, and craziest dreams that her creative brain can think up
She is capable of making the most beautiful story of this one precious life come true


I must remember that I am still that kid
I deserve my love and respect just as much as anyone else.

If  I saw all the acts of kindness I give
I would see all the goodness I leave behind
How bright I make the world
And the impact I have on others
I will realize then that I sincerely
In the grandest sense
Matter in this world
And so do you
 

COVID-19

There isn't really much I can on Coronavirus that hasn't already been said with the wealth of information there is on this topic right now but here are my thoughts on it right now.
Hopefully everyone knows by now that we must wash our hands and stay at home to flatten the curve.
This pandemic is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
It is all that anyone talks about these days, It is all around us, in the news and social media.
I can't watch the news without another heartbreaking story.
I can't go on social media without seeing another meme using humor to cope about social distancing.
What a weird time to be a live.
So many thoughts and feelings revolving around the Coronavirus in the world right now.
So much fear.
So much disbelief and down playing this virus.
So much panic.
So much isolation.
So many opinions and perspectives.
So many people infected, at least 200,000.
So many jobs lost, around 701,000.
So many people on lock down.
So many hands being washed.
So many weddings being postponed and graduation ceremonies being canceled.
So much vulnerability in the elderly, expectant mothers, and those with previous conditions.
So many deaths, at least 8,000.
So much selfishness.
Hoarding toilet paper.
Not following the government's recommendations and risking one's own life and the lives of others.
For what? 
Boredom?
Denial?
Ignorance?

So many questions.
How do I cope and process this crisis?
How can my heart not feel so heavy for all those who are suffering so much?
How can my heart bare it all?
No one expects it would happen to them.
What if it happens to me or someone I love?
What to do with so many jobs lost and so many families suffering to meet their basic needs?
How to grieve so many deaths?
What to do when we are forced to stay at home?
How can I help?

But it is not all bad.
Air pollution is decreasing.
Despite the selfishness shown, there has also been an enormous amount of kindness and selflessness.
People are coming together to try to help.
So many people donating to charities such as Meals on Wheels, No Kids left Hungry and CoVID-19 response.
So many essential workers risking their lives to help complete and total strangers.
So many people trying to use their time on lock down to grow, learn, and improve.
There is still so much hope, encouragement, and love.

This experience is a paradox of being isolated and feeling small yet being a part of something so large.
We are all in this together and we are showing it more than ever now.
There are Sing-a-long lock downs in Italy.
There is appreciation for health care workers shown globally.
There is appreciation for other essential workers such as those working at groceries stores being expressed as well.
There are police lining the streets of hospitals to flash their lights and applaud local health care workers in Spain.
There are communities coming together to applaud on balconies, out at sea, and signs at hospital windows here in the US.
There is food being delivered for people without or who are more at risk to get their own.
There are fellow neighbors doing chores such as yard work for the elderly or those who are more susceptible to diseases.
There are heart warming videos of visitations to hospitals and retirement homes to love ones through their windows with songs to bring them joy or grandchildren to meet for the first time.
And other random acts of kindness being preformed to those in need in these hard times.

I want to do as much as I can to help.
This means washing my hands, staying at home, and donating to charities.
Even though I wish I could more.

I also want to use my time wisely: to learn new stills, use my creativity, be active and stay positive. Writing is one creative outlet I use to express myself or cope with hard times.But is it selfish for me to use this time for self improvement when others are fighting this virus right now to just stay a live, or are struggling to have enough money for basic need for their families or  who have no home to sleep in?
"I am not stuck at home, I'm safe at home."
Maybe when you improve for yourself, you also improve for others too and are able to help them better. As we improve individually we also improve collectively.
Maybe we are always all in this together and events like this just make us realize our oneness, although some are experiencing moreor different types of hardships than others, as well as some  countries are experiencing more hardships than others.

"And the people stayed home and read books and listened to music and rested and exercised and made art and played games  and learned new ways of being and were still and listened more deeply. Some meditated and played, some danced, Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindlessly and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed and the people joined together, they grieved their losses and created new ways to heal the earth and they had been healed."-Kitty O'mera

I hope to learn new ways to think and grow from this experiences. I hope to never forget all I have to appreciate and be thankful for. I wish this for everyone else too. I am glad that at least we know we are not alone, we are all in this together. This to shall past. But for now, please wash your hands and stay at home.

"When this is over may we never take for granted, a hand shake with a stranger, a full shelf in a store, conversations with our neighbor, a crowded theater on a Friday night out, the taste of communion, a routine check up, the school rush each morning, coffee with a friend, the stadium roaring, each deep breath, a boring Tuesday, life itself. When this ends may we find we become more like the people we wanted to be, we are called to be, and may we stay that way- better for each other because of the worst."-Lauren Kelly Fanucci

Religion

Written in 2016

Religion "is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence. Many religions have narratives, symbols, and sacred histories that aim to explain the meaning of life, the origin of life, or the Universe."

I hate that religion divides people and causes war and violence. I don't like that we can't all just accept each others beliefs and coexist peacefully.  I guess it is hard to really accept people of all beliefs though if your beliefs says that the people who believe in other beliefs are going to hell because of it I like organizations like Better Together, that bring people together of all religions to find common ground with each other and work together to make the world a better place. I don't like when people try to force their beliefs on others or judge people of other beliefs.  I  don't think language like  saying that people of other beliefs are "lost" and need to be "saved".  I don't like how the perception of society that people who are  Christian are better people than people who are not.  People who do not believe can be really good people and people who do believe can use Christianity, and the fact that their sins are forgiven to do what they want. I don't understand how all sins are equal when harming other people seems way worse  than having sex before marriage. Sometimes I don't understand the emphasis on sin and that we are all sinners, for me it felt like a lot of pressure to be perfect even though it is just supposed to be humbling. But I do understand that if God does exist, he is much bigger and better than humans because he created everything. If he does exist, I understand in being thankful for everything he does and everything he has created and given me. But I don't think you need to spend all of your life just worshiping god because then you are not experiencing and appreciating all that this world has to offer.

I also don't like when people use religion to judge others, or to take other rights away. For example, gay rights. I don't agree with everything in the bible, like that homosexuality is a sin. But this may be a misinterpretation. The Bible can be interpreted in many different ways and can be used for good and bad. I wish people would just use it for helping and loving other people like the bible taught  instead of using it for power and taking other people's rights away.

I don't think people should go to hell for having different beliefs, even it is just a place that in absence of god because if god is everything good then it would be absence of good too. But maybe those who don't believe would not want to be in heaven with god anyways. I can understand God though too not want people there who don't believe in him but at the same time faith is really hard. There are so many things that can impact your beliefs such as where you live and what your family believes. Even Jewish people who believe in God but since they do not believe that Christ was the savior, they do not get to go to heaven? Maybe you just see so much suffering in the world and wonder how god can be good and have a plan for everyone if some people have it way better off than others.  Maybe bad times makes good times better or you can learn a lot through bad times and become stronger but that is not always the case. Even if what happens on this earth doesn't matter because the people who aren't well off but will be in heaven, then why even have earth? Why create people who won't believe in you, free will, but if you already know what they are going to believe is it really free will? Or is it really free will if you get punished with hell if you don't believe?  They say god is so much bigger than us that we can not understand his plans but it is hard to blindly trust and not want to understand. It makes sense to try to find the truth, to question beliefs and look to science for answers. But maybe religion and science can coexist. Sometimes I wonder why we have to know? I like that the pope said that hell did not exist and that people do not have to believe to go to heaven but can also go to heaven from doing their best to be good people. But I don't like that the catholic church turned around and said that he did not mean it how it sounded.

I grew up Christian but now I am more open minded to all beliefs and want to learn more about all beliefs.  But sometimes I feel pressured to be Christian because that is what my family believes and because I want to be able to see my mom again. I wonder what I want to teach my kids (if i have them) but I think it is better to let them decide for themselves. God and faith are something that you cannot see, you have to feel. I used to have faith and could feel in my heart that God is real and sometimes I want to feel it again. I admire the passion people have for their beliefs when they use them for good. I love listening to other people’s perspectives and I think it is important to be accepting and open minded to other people’s beliefs. The bible teaches to love everyone no matter what anyways.

These flaws in religion can lead others to not follow organized beliefs and either believe in nothing at all or create their own beliefs. I like this idea but do these beliefs matter if they are not the truth?

If God is real i hope, he just wants us to be happy. I hope that God is not focused on our sins so much but is mostly focused on how we treat others and that loving people and accepting each other’s difference are the most important things. I hope God understands doubt because faith is hard and people just want to know the truth. It can be seen as admirable to die for your religious beliefs like the girl in "She said yes" but it would suck if you were wrong and you die for nothing. People don't understand all of the evils of the world and suffering because not all of them are human caused. Even if it was human caused why would he create humans to be like that or do something about it afterwards? How does he choose the prayers he will answer/ people he will save? I don't understand god's plan because some go through so much more or have so much less time. So, i hope either God does not have a plan for everyone or if he does his plan is actually good and makes sense because It does not make sense to me. I also hope that god doesn’t put you people through things to test how strong their faith is because that does not seem right to me. People can only go through so much before they break and question things. I’m not sure if I agree that god gives the hardest challenges to the toughest people.

I understand being thankful for what you have and if it is from god being thankful of god. But I don't understand calling them blessing or saying that you are blessed because what about the other people who have less? It does not make sense that god choose to not bless them or bless them less. So blessings sometimes seems like bragging to me, like  look at all god choose to gave me but did not give you.. I must be better or mean more because god gave me more..idk. I hope god understands me not understanding why we have to know.. I don’t think not worshiping god means your worship yourself or idle things of this world. I think you can just be learning, living, and experiencing this world.

I hope god would want us to focus on the life we have now on this earth now, doing the best with what we have, making the most of our experiences, making a positive impact on other people, and living life the fullest/ enjoying it while we can. I hope god would be accepting of all beliefs and religions because it is hard to know what is the truth. Sometimes people who don’t believe, don’t believe because they care so much about humanity and don’t understand how a good/ all powerful god could let so much suffering happen. These people do whatever possible to help humanity as much as possible and I don’t think they deserve to go to hell. I hope God would let all of the people i love to be able to go to the same place after life. I still think as long as you try your best to find the truth, treat others with respect and do the best to be the best person you can be you should be ok.

    

Mental Health and Ways to Find Hope

Anxiety, Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder, Cerebral Palsy. Sometimes I feel like I have it all and it gets so heavy. 1 and 6 adults experience a mental illness throughout their life, so you are not alone. It is easy to go on a downward spiral when everything builds up without realizing it because of burnt out. Burnt out doesn't even have to mean that one is  doing too much, it could mean that they just aren't doing enough that brings you joy and passion. Mental Illness is real and just as hard to control or cope with as physically disabilities. It it is not the fault of the person who has a mental illness, although it can be hard to not feel like it is sometimes. Research has found that mental illness have huge biological and chemical factors but can be triggered by traumatic events. Mental Illness does not mean weakness, in a way it makes the person stronger because they have to deal with a lot more than an average person to get through a day. It can be hard to not let fear cause being paralyzed in knowing what to do next or how to feel better. One reason I write this blog is to reduce the stigma around mental illness. Anxiety can especially be hard when in the 20's and trying to figure out what you want to do next or wish to have done more than you have but the Irony of is it that the 20's are still so young that most people don't have it all figured it out then. What makes it even harder is social media, where comparisons can be a never winning battle that just robs people of joy, because it makes it seem like everyone else is happier than you and have their life together, although it is often a facade or it doesn't show the whole picture. The person who could look like the most attractive person who has it all together, could really be struggling  with themselves behind closed doors. It is hard in the day of social media when comparisons are all around us. Taking breaks from social media can be a must.

 I do my best to take responsibility for my emotions and not over react but another battle this sensitivity causes is not caring too much what people think, letting things go, as well as not being hard on myself. I am my own worst critic. When I feel like I am being judged or have conflict with someone, I shut down and it is hard to open up to people. But people will judge you no matter what and at times it can be more about how they feel about themselves or they have nothing better to do and want to fit in too. Caring too much of the perception of others is also silly because everyone is more focused on what they have going on in their own life anyways. It can be hard not to care because feeling connected to people, loved and understood can be so important for happiness but the people who matter accept you for who you are. So might as well embrace who you are because it matters more how you feel about yourself.

Although my normal self is more optimistic, bubbly, and happy, I am still naturally more reserved and it can take me longer to be myself around some people.  I can envy extroverts because I love being around people and talking to them. I love deep conversation and people that I can be goofy around and remind me not to take things too seriously. But I get bored with small talk easily and stare into space or look around a lot. Sometimes my anxiety and depression cause me to withdraw from people or become more awkward and paranoid that they are talking about me, although when I'm at my best I embrace my awkwardness. Normal is a myth, we are all a little weird haha.  When I let depression build up, I can't hide my feelings either, I go from being my bubbly and happy self to feeling and looking lifeless. My latest struggle forcing things that I don't want to do when I'm unhappy became impossible enough that I needed to take a break from everything to reset.

But in my reset I realized that my depression and anxiety, although partly biological and chemical is also do to my external circumstances. I was trying to force myself to do the things we are taught to do, be practical. Go to school, get an education, find a job. If you can't find a job that you are happy with the degree you have, go back to school and get another degree or settle for a job that just pays the bills because you need to do that to survive. Although some people are lucky and find a job that they love without worrying about too much education. Me, not so much, that I am really passionate about anyways. I decided to go back to school to become an Occupational Therapy Assistant because I wanted to use my experiences of having cerebral palsy to help other kids who have physically disabilities. But going back to school was harder to get the motivation than I thought. OTA requires a lot of math and science courses and those are just not my subjects, even though I could love the career once i got into it, It could also be like another career I tried ABA( although a great and rewarding job that I learned a lot from, it ended up being more travel and paper work than my brain could handle). But I may try to go back to OTA in the future.

So now I realized that my adventurous soul needs a more creative and fun type of job. So I have decided to go with what will make me happy and  start planning to find a job on Coolworks.com or other resources like it for my future, where I can combine my adventurous nature and helping children who have disabilities or maybe even learn something new. If you love adventures like me I highly recommend looking into it, also Workaway is a great website to find work exchange programs abroad as well. Moral of the story: don't feel like you have to always do the practical thing that society has taught us: get a job, pay the bills and die, settle for an average life. I spent so long trying to do the practical thing and in my comfort zone( besides some travel volunteer experience with work away and ISV that I'm thankful for) when I really want to just go out and explore the world while I'm young. Of course you do need money to do this, with a little dedication it may not be as hard as you originally think to save depending on your circumstances. Even though, some may have more privileges that make it easier for them to make it happen, it doesn't mean that you can't, it may just take a little more effort. There is more to life than settling for a job that just pays the bills, although there can be extraordinary/ meaningful moments in and satisfaction with the every day life of settling down, having a family, and stability too.

 You can find adventurous and meaningful work that pays your bills. Going the adventurous route may be scarier and not have retirement benefits or the stability but that is why you should go for it while you are young and healthy. Who needs retirement when you are still healthy enough to work and you love your job because it gives your purpose?

 What I learned from my personal experience is to just do what makes you happy. And if you think your mental illness (mostly anxiety/depression) is only due to biology and chemicals and you are losing hope, i suggest to take a look at your circumstances as well and see if there is anything you can change, although easier said than done, it could make a huge difference. It has for me and I am so thankful for that. On  a side note other factors I have found to be helpful in dealing with mental illness include: meaningful social connections, exercise, yoga, meditation, eating a healthy diet, and volunteering. As well as counseling and medicine if it comes to that too.

Welp those are my thoughts on mental illness, if you made it this far... thanks for coming to my Ted talk lol