Being Your Own Person

A big lesson I have learned lately is the importance of being your own person. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Happiness does not come from other people, It comes from having confidence and respect for yourself. People need people. People can make you happy but you should not let your happiness only be based on other people. It is hard to not feel like something is missing when you aren't in a relationship because of the pressure and value society/ culture put on being in love, but is important to be able to feel complete on your own. Having that special someone who loves being around you, is always there for you, and brings out the best in you is amazing but you can't force it to happen.  You have to be happy on your own or you will never know if you are just choosing someone out of loneliness. You just have to let things happen and when you least expect it you will meet someone worth it, at least that is what people say. In the meantime it is important to find ways to feel complete on your own. Ways that help me feel complete on my own is meeting new people/making new friends, focusing on school, planning to study abroad, being outside, writing in this blog and helping people.

“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.” Unknown

What do you deserve?

People always say " You deserve better " or "I don't deserve you" but deserving is such a subjective word. I don't think one person is born deserving more than another person. I also don't think what you did in the past determines what you deserve in the future. Thinking you don't deserve something should not stop you from going for what you want. If it is worth it, you should do whatever it takes to get it. I think deserving depends on what you learn from the mistakes you make and what you do to improve. As long as you try your best and never give up, I think you deserve whatever you want.  I think anyone who tries their best deserves to be happy.

Monogamy and Human Nature

 I read this blog post debating if monogamy is unnatural. Here is the link if you are interested in reading it too.http://themattwalshblog.com/2014/01/07/monogamy-is-unnatural/#pKhPxY5p0OGSWLle.01

 This blog made me think, Is trying to find one person to spend the rest of your life with going against human nature? If you are thinking about it biologically, then yes it is going against human nature. People are biologically programmed to want to pass their genes on to the next generation. To pass your genes on to the next generation as much as possible, you must mate with as many people as possible. In my Physiological Psychology class, we actually talked about this. There is this theory called Coolidge Effect, that states males return from sexual arousal quicker if a new female becomes available. But people are capable of going above their nature.  Human beings are strong enough to stay committed to one person.

I'm not sure if  there is one person meant for every person. I feel like there are a lot of people you can have potential connections with. Because what if that one person is across the world from you, already died, or was born in a different time period? Then you would have no one if that was the only person meant for you.  It would be a waste to spend your whole life searching for this perfect  person who is the  "only one" for you because then you might end up alone.  It is good to be with a variety of people, to see all the different kinds of connections you can have with someone. From these connections, you can see what you like and don't like. Different connections can also show you what you want in a relationship.  I think that is what dating is all about. When you find someone you connect with the most, it is nice to be with a loyal person, who only wants to be with you. When you find this person, you get to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship, than you could ever have if you were with a lot of people at the same time.

I like the analogy that the author of the blog, Matt Walsh, uses - "If you won 600 million dollars in the lottery, would you go out the next day and break into cars to steal the change from the cup holders? That’s what sleeping around is like when you’ve already found a woman who will pledge her life and her entire being to you for the remainder of her existence."

The Difference Between Changing And Improving

People always say do not change yourself for someone else . I think there is a difference  between changing yourself and improving. Changing is when you try to be something you are NOT so that another person likes you. Improving is learning from your mistakes and trying to be the BEST you that you can be. I always try to improve from my mistakes so that I can be the best me possible. You should not change your morals, values, beliefs or personality traits for another person to like you. But you can improve on things like communication, putting other people before yourself, and accepting people for exactly who they are. Relationships require compromise and improving on these things can help a  relationship grow stronger. I think the best kind of relationship to be in would be one with someone who sees the best in you, but also encourages / inspires you to improve and be even better.

Judging Others and Yourself

     It is human nature to judge other people. I always try to not judge other people because I have no idea what it is like to be anybody else but me. I have no idea the struggles people have to deal with everyday.  People can go through similar struggles yet still experience and deal with it differently. The right way to deal with a situation depends on the person. You can only worry about what is right for you.  But I am human too and sometimes I judge. I usually try to force myself to stop when I realize I am doing it, but it doesn't always work. Sometimes I can be a hypocrite and I judge other people for judging. But now that I realize that I do that, I try my best to not do that either. So next time you find yourself judging someone, remember that you do not know what it is like to be that person. Trying to see things the way they do can help, but ultimately you can never really understand. You are physically not in their body- hearing their thoughts, feeling their emotions, and experiencing everything that they are experiencing. To each their own as the saying goes, as long as that person is not causing any harm to others by being themselves, it should not bother anyone.
    Fearing judgement is silly. Everyone else is more worried about themselves anyways. There are worst things that can happen than for a person to judge you, not understand you or think that you are strange. We all can be a little weird sometimes and normal is a myth. We are all just trying to do our best to make the most of our life in this crazy world.   No one can take your experiences/ feelings away from you and say that they are wrong. Although sometimes I wish other people could go inside each others heads and live each others lives for a day, so they could really understand each other. I guess all that matters is the people who do their best to try to understand instead of judging and the people who love you no matter what.
    Judging yourself is just as silly. Everyone embarrasses themselves and makes mistakes. Learning from your mistakes is good because then you will not make the same mistake again but there is no point in being too hard on yourself. Dwelling on your insecurities or the past does not help anything. Everyone has insecurities and no one is perfect.
"Before you assume, learn. Before you judge, understand. Before you hurt, feel. Before you say, think."

Here is a link that has an interesting explanation of perception:
http://www.iflscience.com/health-and-medicine/your-red-same-my-red

Small Actions Can Make A Big Difference

Another conversation Morgan and I had was about impact. Like I said in my blog post People, small deeds you do for a person can make a bigger impact on a person's life than you think. This can be demonstrated scientifically by Chaos Theory. For a system to be defined as chaotic, small changes in initial conditions must create diverging outcomes. Life can be a chaotic system where one small thing that happens can create a big change. A single mutation in a protein can cause a severe mental and physical disability, called Snider Robertson Syndrome. A person can also be a chaotic system in the sense that one small action they make can have a big impact, positive or negative. I hope that the small actions  I do have a  positive impact rather than a negative one. Even though sometimes you may seem too small to matter, you still matter to the people around you. On a greater scale, if the earth is a chaotic system, small changes that you make can have a significant impact over a long period of time.
The Chaotic Theory is also known as the "Butterfly Effect." To learn more read this article:
http://eaps4.mit.edu/research/Lorenz/Butterfly_1972.pdf

This is a quote I like about how moments can impact you:

 "The moment of impact. The moment of impact proves potential for change. Has ripples effects far beyond what we can predict. Sending some particles crashing together. Making them closer than before. While sending others spinning off into great ventures. Landing them where you've never thought you've found them. That's the thing about moments like these. You can't, no matter how hard you try, controlling how it's gonna affect you. You just gotta let the colliding part goes where they may. And wait. For the next collision." Stuart Sender

Good v.s Bad

So I have this really cool roommate named Morgan and we always have the most random and deep conversations. Our conversations topics range from talking about relationships, religion, and philosophy. I have a psychological view of issues while she has a scientific view, and we learn from each other's perspectives to get a better understanding of issues.

Today one of our discussions was about the concept good v.s bad. Even when things seem bad, the outcome of a situation can't be qualified as good or bad because these are comparative terms. You will never know what the alternative outcome would have been so you have nothing to compare your current situation to. The concepts of good and bad are based on opinions anyways, not on facts. What could be good for one person could be bad for another person or bad on a greater scale. No perception is more valid than another . The way I see it, good things can come from bad situations because of the lessons you learn from it. At first you may think something that happened was bad, but later you may have a different perspective. Everything that has happened to you, whether you think it was good or bad, has helped you become who you are today. If you don't like who you are, you can fix that by changing the way you look at what is good and bad.

People

      
     "Isn’t it weird to think that every person you walk by has a past they may or may not be proud of and a family they might be close to or far from and a lover they’re either with or apart from and a name and a personality, and they might be having the greatest day of their life or the worst day? We probably walk past hundreds of people a day and never once stop to think what they’re going through, what their life may be like. We’re too focused on our own."

   People are interesting to me, especially people's minds, and that is why I am majoring in psychology. Their stories, thoughts, and memories fascinate me. Everyone has their own struggles they deal with everyday. I love learning about people's lives and what makes them who they are.

"Become friends with people who aren’t your age. Hang out with people whose first language isn’t the same as yours. Get to know someone who doesn’t come from your social class. This is how you see the world. This is how you grow."

  One thing I like to do to forget about my struggles is to help other people. No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of another person. I learned this lesson from my mother, who was the most caring person I will ever know. The way I am helping people right now is playing bingo with the patients of Patrick B Harris Mental Hospital on Mondays with the Psychology Club. I am also a lunch buddy, gym buddy, and an alternate RA for ClemsonLIFE students. Volunteering with ClemsonLIFE is also good for me because I want to work with kids who have special needs when I graduate college. I also worked at a summer camp for children, teens, and young adults with special needs called Camp Burnt Gin, for the past two summers. It was one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. I get my inspiration to help children with special needs from my Cerebral Palsy. So if you ever want to forget your struggles, try helping someone else with their struggles. It can help you not think about what you are going through and it feels amazing knowing that you had a positive impact on another person's life. The small things you do for someone can make a huge difference. Thinking of others before yourself is another important part of being in relationships.  

"People need to be encouraged. People need to be reminded of how wonderful they are. People need to be believed in—told that they are brave and smart and capable of accomplishing all the dreams they dream and more. Remind each other of this."

Lessons

1.  I have learned the importance of perception. I've been thinking about perception a lot and how much it affects everything.  Two people could be going through the same thing and see things totally different. I always try to  see things through other people's perspective but I guess it is hard to forget about your perception and needs as well. I have realized from experience that seeing things through other people's perspective is very important when it comes to relationships. It can be hard to get someone to understand your point of view sometimes when they haven’t been in your shoes. But communication is everything.

   

2. The next lesson I learned is knowing when to let go. I tried to hold on for so long because of what I used to have that I did not realize I was the only one still holding on.

 These quote describes perfectly why you should let go when the other person is not holding on anymore:

"I won't beg someone to love me. I  learned long ago that there is no use in hopeless pleas of trying to make someone stay. I am too good to chase someone who does not know my worth. I am too wild to keep waiting for someone who does not acknowledge  my value, I want to be loved unconditionally. I should not have to fight so hard for it. I do not have time to prove to some one that I am worth it. I should not have to prove any of that. I am worth more than that."

"Don't chase people, be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people- the ones who really belong in your life-will come to you And stay."-Will Smith

 3.  I also learned that sometimes I can be too trusting because I always try to see the good in people, but it is never wrong to forgive. You have to pay attention to actions not just words. It is crazy how you think you know someone but then they can make a mistake  that makes you lose respect for them. Instead of trying to get revenge, I tried to understand the situation.  I forgave  for myself because forgiving is like  saying that " you don't get to trap me in the past, i am worthy of a future." Besides everyone make mistakes. Holding grudges and being angry isn't healthy. I much rather be too loving, caring and forgiving than cold, angry, and resentful. You should not forget what they did and you should not trust again until it is earned but one mistake does not have to ruin all of the good.

4.  I learned the importance of being my own person. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Happiness does not come in others but within having confidence and respect in yourself.  Sometimes I clung to my relationship because I did not like spending time alone but it is important to be able to enjoy time with yourself. Another thing I tried to do was control when now I realize all I have control over is myself. Even if you are trying to control or change because you want the best for the other person and you care so much, it is still wrong. You can only determine what is best for yourself.

"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds."

5.   The final thing I learned is that sometimes it can be hard to understand how you can promise someone that you will feel the same way forever. But to believe in love, you have to believe that a person can feel the same way about you forever. People and things change but that does not mean your feelings have to change. True love is supposed to be unconditional. When you are with the right person, you can get through the change and grow stronger by learning to adapt. A good relationship requires both people to fight to keep each other in their lives and to never give up on who they love. But it does not work if both people aren't fighting to make it work and being happy with the person you are with is most important.

What am I going to do now?

 Experience, learn, travel and love as much as I can while I'm still alive, here on planet earth.

"Try to learn to breathe deeply, really to taste food when you eat,and when you sleep,really sleep.Try as much as possible to be wholly alive with all of your might, and when you laugh, laugh like hell.And when you get angry, get good and angry. Try to be alive.You will be dead soon enough"-Ernest Hemingway

New Start

"Every morning, we get a chance to be different. A chance to change. A chance to be better. Your past is your past. Leave it there. Get on with the future part."
  I am starting this blog as way to express myself and share my struggles with others in hopes of inspiring others to be optimistic. I want to  help people who are going through similar situations as me. I am at a point in my life where a lot has changed and I am trying to do what this quote says,  and use every morning as  a chance to be better.

One of the changes I have been going through is dealing with a break-up but it has taught me a lot.
 It is important to feel pain and acknowledge that it hurts because it mattered but that does not mean it won't get better and it does not mean that love will always break your heart. Never close yourself off from love for fear of getting hurt again.
"Being tender and open is beautiful. As a woman, I feel continually shhh’ed. Too sensitive. Too mushy. Too wishy washy. Blah blah. Don’t let someone steal your tenderness. Don’t allow the coldness and fear of others to tarnish your perfectly vulnerable beating heart. Nothing is more powerful than allowing yourself to truly be affected by things. Whether it a song,a stranger, a mountain, a raindrop, a tea kettle, an article, a sentence, a footstep, feel it all- look around you. All of this is for you. Take it and have gratitude. Give it and feel love.”
― Zooey Deschanel

Tips for getting over a break up:

1. Get  your anger out in a healthy way

2.Turn it into a learning experience

3. Don't ignore your feelings

4. Acknowledge the good in your past relationship

5. Focus on  your good qualities