Just like everyone else

I've always felt Iike I had to try so hard to prove my worth

To prove I am smart 

To prove I am capable

To prove I am independent

To prove I am strong

To prove I am just like everyone else

To prove I am more...

More than the shy girl

More than the nice girl

More than the girl with CP

I am more than just one dimension

I am more than an inspirational story

I am not your inspiration porn

And I am no where close to being a saint

I can be loud and outgoing

I can be funny and spontaneous

I can be mischievous and rebellious

I can be a smart ass and even an asshole sometimes

All the things that anyone else can be

The good and the bad

I am just like everyone else 

No better or worse

But nonetheless worthy

Just like everyone else

Stories In Our Head

 It's funny we all make up stories in our heads about what people are thinking and why they do the things that they do and most of the time they aren't even true. We can't go in each others heads and see what people are thinking and feeling or walk in each others shoes to see what they have experienced. Yet we believe assumptions over asking and recieving each others truths. Maybe we don't always tell our full truths to ourselves though. We also tend to judge others on their behaviors but judge ourselves on our intentions.

The Universe

Right now, you and me here, put together entirely of atoms, sitting on this round rock with a core of liquid iron, held down by this force that seems to trouble you, called gravity, all the while spinning around the sun at 67,000 miles an hour and whizzing through the milkyway at 600,000 miles an hour in a universe that very well may be chasing its own tail at the speed of light; And admist all this frantic activity, fully cognisant of our own eminent demise; which is our own pretty way of saying we all know we're gonna die; We reach out to one another. Sometimes for the sake of entity, sometimes for reasons you're not old enough to understand yet, but a lot of the time we just reach out and expect nothing in return. Isn't that strange?

John Cusack in Martian Child

We're just conscious awareness dancing for itself for no other reason than to stay amused.

Jim Carrey

Validation

 Validating myself

Hardest thing I've ever done

See I've always been a people pleaser

Play small

Do nothing to harm others

Apologize purfusely if a mistake is made 

Or even when I have done nothing wrong

Always blame myself because it is easier for me than holding resentment

Because I can always see where the other person is coming from

Gaslight myself for having any negative emotion ever

I must be over reacting...being dramatic

Because I'm always to blame

Must treat others with the utmost respect 

Even when I don't get the same in return

I'm hard on myself to be perfectly kind at all times

Otherwise I have failed

I am weak for letting others get to me

Criticizing and berating myself about every little thing

Even things that happened years ago

Giving others so much grace and understanding 

To be human and make mistakes

Validating their emotions 

But never giving that grace to myself in return

Never practicing what I preach

Easier said than done

When I do something that's best for myself..

I feel selfish

Feeling the need to be responsible for everyone else's emotions

 But disregarding my own

When will l learn?

Putting yourself first takes strength when you are used to sacrificing yourself instead

Because

I am worthy

Of respect

Of my own emotions

To take up space 

Of standing up for myself 

Without guilt

Because I matter too

I am valid too

Disability pride

 Not going to lie some days I'm so annoyed at my disability or wish I could just be and look "normal" . Other times I feel like I'm in this weird middle ground where my disability doesn't impact me as much as most people I have met who have disabilities but I don't fit in with the abled body community either. Some people have treated me as if I was lessor intellectually and physically for having one while some forget I have one and are harsh when I'm not living up to certain standards. But without cerebral palsy then I wouldn't be me. Cerebral palsy has given me a unique perspective and insights that I could not have gained any other way. So yes if there was a cure I wouldn't take it like josh blue said.

Happy disability pride month!

To be disabled does not mean you lack abilities

 It means we are able to do things but just differently

It doesn't mean to be capable of less

It means to be adaptable

To have an intellectual disability does not mean one is not smart

It just means to learn differently and at your own pace

Having a physical disability does not mean you have a intellectual one too

People with disabilities are still capable

Of intelligence

Capable of being athletic

Capable of independence

Capable of success

Often even more capable of love

Of kindness & acceptance

Patience & optimism

Compassion & empathy

Persistence & determination

Because of the obstacles we face

Broaden your vocabulary

Don't use the R word

An ignorant word that under estimate a whole community of beautiful and loving people

Handicapped is not appropriate either

Person-first language is in

Or rather just call us by our names

We are not our disability

We are so much more

People are so much more than their apperance and their flaws

So much more than a label

We are our personalities

We are out characteristic traits

We are our passions

And we are our strengths

We are perfect just the way we are

Kindness and Boundaries

 How do you find the balance between kindness and not leading people on?

Kindness and not being taken advantage of

Kindness and not over extending yourself because you must fill your own cup too

Kindness with out getting fatigued or burnt out when the same is not shown to you in return

Other people need to pour into you so you can both grow

Kindness to yourself before others

Kindness but drawing the line and having boundaries when you feel uncomfortable

Because when you put other people's feelings first you become a doormat for others to step on and disregard you

You get underminded, underestimated, made fun of or feel invisible when you aren't assertive and stand up for yourself

Kindness is not always the most important thing, sometimes taking care of yourself must come first

Because if you don't take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect you can't expect others to

Be kind yes, but first be kind to yourself by asserting yourself and standing up for yourself when necessary

And never forget your worth or let people push your boundaries, be firm in who you are and what you need and want for yourself

I have a dream

 I have a dream that one day no one will wake up thinking today is a good day to shoot up an elementary school with a bunch of innocent children in it. With the way this world is heading it's a lofty dream but maybe  just maybe if enough people have the same dream it just may come true. This is why I want to work in the mental health field , their is obviously so many things wrong with our society and the way we treat each other that an 18 year old old thought this was a good idea.

Blame it on my ADD baby

 Blame it on my ADHD baby

Idk where to start 

ADHD sucks 

And common to also have anxiety due to having to deal with the stress ADHD caused 

Plus having CP, that's a triple whammy

And even depression when I'm really not handling it all well

ADHD is so misunderstood

And so common

I didn't know I had it until I was adult

But always wondered what was wrong with me

Always felt so misunderstood

I always felt inadequate or not very smart for my carelessness, forgetfulness,inattention to detail, impulsiveness

Or lazy for procrastinating or avoiding certain things and getting distracted easily

But then hyper focusing and fixating on things that interest me...for me that was psychology, soccer, traveling, nature, music

Later to find out people with ADHD actually tend to have the same IQ as everyone else or higher IQs

When I found out about ADHD it may seem like I used it as an excuse for everything

I understand not wanting the label because of the stereotypes

But for me it really was an explanation

What a relief

It finally made sensese why I was the way I was

Although my psychiatrist never formally diagnosed me because he said. testing it was too expensive and dealing with my anxiety would also help my ADHD. So he just treated that but medicine never worked for me/ I didn't like it

I always hide my hyper side because I always feared coming off as extra, annoying, or too much. I learned quickly in school that I was different than others but it still came out in other ways. And it is common for women to not get diagnosed because it effects them differently or they are better at masking it

I just had so much enthusiasm and felt everything more intensely- classic symptoms that went under the radar

But it effects everyone differently

Predominantly Inattentive Type – requires six (or five for people over 17 years) of the following symptoms occurring often:

• Doesn't pay close attention to details or makes careless mistakes 

• Has trouble maintaining attention on tasks or activities (e.g., long lectures or reading assignments)

• Doesn't seem to listen when spoken to directly (i.e., seems preoccupied or zoned out)

• Doesn't follow through on instructions and fails to finish tasks and activities (i.e., may start tasks but gets easily sidetracked)

• Struggles with organizing tasks and activities or loses things necessary for tasks and activities (e.g. has problems with time management, scheduling, and keeping up with tasks and materials)

• Takes the "path of least resistance" and avoids or dislikes tasks requiring sustained mental effort over a long period (i.e., this is often unintentional and more of a cognitive style) 

• Easily distracted 

• Forgets daily tasks such as chores and errands. 

Predominantly Hyperactive Type - requires six (or five for people over 17 years) of the following symptoms occurring often:

• Fidgets with or taps hands or feet or squirms or moves in seat

• Can't stay seated (e.g., in classroom, workplace, meetings) 

• For children, often runs about or climbs in situations where it is not appropriate—for older teens and adults, this may be limited to feeling restless

• Unable to play or participate in leisure activities quietly.

• Always "on the go" or acts as if "driven by a motor"

• Talks excessively or blurts out an answer before a question has been completed

• Has trouble waiting their turn in line

• Interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., cuts into conversations, games, or activities, using other people's things without permission)

For a combined type diagnosis, the individual must have qualifying symptoms from both symptom categories.

Combined type is definitely me, I check every box

I am still learning how to accept and love myself despite ADHD and the best coping mechanisms

Learning to embrace it instead of hiding it so I can be my most authentic self but easier said than done

I've learned to take accountability for my short comings and be  brutally honest about my flaws in order to grow and improve and also show others it is ok to do the same

All I know is that you can't judge it unless you have it, it is harder to control than neurotypical people think

Mom

 She had the dorkiest sense of fashion.

But the best sense of humor, always tickling me in pictures I have of us together and teaching us to laugh at ourselves. 

She gave the warmest hugs and best advice, that always made me feel loved and comforted me when I was sad. 

She had the most beautiful soul and kindest heart.

She loved red velvet cake, Fleetwood Mac,  collecting hess trucks, and going on vacations with us to ski or snorkle.

She took care of us so well, she was the best mother.

But not just my mother, she was my best friend, favorite person and the best one I will ever know.

This is what I remember about my mother, sometimes I wish I could remember more with the 12 years I had with her but now I've had more mothers days with out her than with her. But today reminds me to be thankful I had this amazing woman as my mother. 

Please give your mama a little extra loving today for all those who can't <3 happy mothers day!

Empathy

No one owes you anything

 Everyone is responsible for their own emotions

I tend to easily see everyone's perspective and empathize

To the point of never really knowing how to feel or validate my own emotions and reactions

Because nothing is as personal as it seems

Projections of past experiences and insecurities can be in every interaction

But this can lead to going to far out of one's way to make others comfortable

Never having boundaries and neglecting one's own needs and desires

People pleasing/ being a doormat to a certain extent and not standing up for one's self

How do you find the balance?

Caring about others to do no harm but not caring what people think to the point of exhaustion  

Taking responsibility of one's own emotions

 but not the emotions of others so much that you carry the whole world on your shoulders

Being your most authentic self to help others and show it's just a part of the human experience to have struggles and that doesnt make you any less worthy of happiness, love, connection and success

But not opening up too much that you run the risk of that information being used against you

Everyone makes their own assumptions anyways

Toast to Hayley and Tommy

Hello, I'm Hayley's  little sister Taylor.Congratulations Hayley and Tommy. Hayley is the most hard working and best person I've ever met. she has been by best friend since birth.  I wouldn't be the person I am today with out her  example of hard work and determination, advice and sometimes tough love I always was the annoying little sister who looked up to her so much and wanted to be just like her and spend all of my time with her. But even though I annoyed her she always was an amazing big sister who was there for me  & protected me no matter what.    She deserves all the happiness in the world and  I am so glad she found Tommy . I couldn't have imagined a better partner for my sister and my brother in law. He is so kind,  laid back and funny and does so much for my sister, thanks for making my sister so happy. Welcome to the family. Love y'all so much! Mom would be so proud. Y'all are going to have an amazing and adventurous life together!

Personal Statement

Since I was very young, I have known about the fascinating field of counseling.  My mom was a counselor. She loved working with her clients and helping them heal, find courage and sometimes peace. She worked with couples and families. Her passion and enthusiasm for her career showed on her face when she talked about her practice.  Although she never divulged specifics about her clients, she would share that she had a great day and that it was a honor to work with so many unique individuals, no client or day was ever alike.

I was twelve years old when my mom died from cancer. I was devastated. I grieved and found solace in my family and my own counselor in high school.

  

Experiencing grief at such a young age, taught me a lot of things, such as life is short and precious so it is important to make every moment count. Over time the pain began to decrease and I began to live again thanks to help of friends, family, and my love for soccer.

I knew early on that I wanted to make a difference. When I was younger I never felt like I fit in so I went out of my way to help make sure that other kids did not feel the same way. In high school I started a support group with my friend for fellow high schoolers who had disabilities. I was diagnosed with a mild form of Cerebral Palsy that affects my right arm and leg.  I struggled but had a sincere desire to become independent.

I am confident that my experiences have allowed me to  develop many important characteristic traits such as adaptability, determination, perseverance, and self-efficacy.

 My experiences with cerebral palsy have given me a deeper understanding of myself and I believe that I can relate well  to people who have gone through similar mental and physical challenges.

I can honestly say from experience that I am a better person because of the obstacles that I have had to face. I get it.

At Clemson, I pursued a degree in Psychology with a minor in Recreational Therapy. It is my dream to become a counselor and make a difference in the lives of others. Throughout college I volunteered for Clemsonlife for the students who have intellectul disabilities and worked at Camp Burnt Gin in the summers for children and young adults with all types of disabilities.

After graduating from Clemson, I became a Registered Behavioral Technician. I worked directly with kids with autism to help improve their social skills and behavioral issues. My training prepared me with the skills to teach the students techniques to reduce ineffective behaviors. Working and applying my skills has been valuable. I  got to see the children prosper and although its not easy, I loved seeing the results ( when they happen). Now I am a preschool teacher and I get to apply what I learned as a behavioral technician to the children at the pre school.  Although, I am good at my position, I long for something more I want a career that is more focused on improving individuals mental health and well being.

People Treat You How They Feel about Themselves

The way people treat you is a reflection of who they are and how they feel about themselves.It is not a reflection of who you are. It is always less personal than it seems.  Hurt people hurt people, genuinely happy people dont waste their time or energy to go out of their way to tear people down. If people treat you poorly it usually has a lot more to do with their own insecurities, jealousy, misplaced anger, and projections than who you are as a person. Your reflection is determined by how you treat others and yourself despite what other people think or say about you.

Things I've learned in beach reflections a while ago :

 

1. You can only help those who want to be helped because you can't fight someone else's battle and sometimes it is necessary to learn from your own mistakes. 

2. People get frustrated at things other people do yet don't realize or want to admit that they do the same exact things to others

3. No matter how much you have improved, there is always room to grow

4. Actions and non verbal cues speak louder than words

5. Everyone wants to be heard but it is harder to listen, we tend to listen to respond not to understand

6. No one likes to be wrong yet it is hard to admit when someone else is right

7. The law of attraction is one of the most powerful forces, on earth you really do attract the vibes that you give/put out to the universe- karma

8.  The universe is for you, and so is everything else

It is all about perspective

Go where you are wanted

 It's so strange how sometimes you can't control who you like or care about both in friendship or as more. It can also be hard to describees why you like or are attracted to someone, sometimes it can be an indescribable feeling, chemistry or understanding of each other. It is strange how humans are drawn to and want what we can't have. Strange why we still care or its hard to let go when the other person does not reciprocate. Maybe that is why a crush is called a crush, it ends up crushing you when your crush does not like you back. But being on different levels or unrequitted friendships can be just as hard as unrequitted love. It is interesting or strange that we can end up on such different levels with people because logically or naturally you would think you would be most attracted to people who reciprocate the enjoyment of your company equally but that is not always the case.

And not always being able to control these feelings can be annoying and frusterating. Because logically you know It is best to go where you are wanted, where your energy is reciprocated, appreciated and celebrated. Nothing short of people who consider you a fuck yes because there is no point or worth in lukewarm with anything in life, including  friendships and relationships.You deserve nothing less than that in life, people who love you and see the best in you. 

Yet sometimes you can't help but care about someone who doesn't care about you. Even when you know you shouldn't and even when you tell yourself you don't but deep down you still do. But maybe there is nothing wrong with that and it just proves how beautiful, loving, and caring your soul really is, to care despite if you get anything back and the ability to see the good in everyone. Or it could be an unrealistic desire to want to be friends with everyone and liked by everyone when truth is there is more to people than the good you see or not everyone has the same heart as you.

 Rejection is really hard but usually it is this way because the people who you care about who may not feel the same way now or are not on your level are the rare people who made you feel like you were seen, maybe even the people who have made you feel the most seen, cared about, appreciared, or understood. But sometimes things change or those people have other people that make them feel more. And so you realize that even though you can't help that you care, your realize it is not worth your energy to go where you aren't wanted. You realize maybe letting go isn't this thing you can do all at once in a quick easy moment but more of a constant  reminder of your worth, that you deserve to go where people love you, see the best in you and where your energy is reciprocated,celebrated,and appreciated. Letting go is appreciating memories, experiences, and connections when the energy is reciprocated but then wishing them the best and letting it be when you are not on the same level or the energy is not reciprocated, because going where you are wanted is the only place worth going.