Darkness to Light

Hello Darkness, my old friend
Why do we have to meet again
Depression is heavy
Like a big black bear sitting on your chest
It is like being lost in a cave
It is like the bitter cold on a winter night
The warmth of the fire inside can't even help
It is negative thoughts and feelings
That can't even be chased away with gratitude
It is knowing others have it worse
But that just leads to guilt
It is a desperate desire to fight to feel better
But a lack of motivation and energy to do what needs to be done

It is only when you learn to surrender and sit with the feeling
That you even have a fighting chance

And with acceptance comes the light
Feeling better is like seeing a rainbow through the clouds
A glimpse of colors among the dark
The light comes slowly
And then all at once
Like headlights blaring in your face as a car comes towards you on a deserted road at night
Like accidentally staring at the sun on a bright sunny day without sunglasses on
It is the feeling of the warmth on your skin on the first day of Spring
The weight is suddenly lifted, with a sigh of relief
A intense feeling of gratitude to feel light as a feather
Thankful that the lightness brings the ability to laugh so hard that your belly hurts
And the voice to sing again
Or do a silly dance

And then you vow to never let yourself spiral so far down in the cave ever again

Home

Home is:
The smell of pluff mud in the marsh
Going across the Ravenel bridge at sunrise and being amazed at the vibrant colors
It is palm trees swaying in the breeze
And the taste of honeysuckles in spring

And a little bit of southern charm,"bless your heart"
It is the sand between your toes, the smell of salt water, the warmth on your face and wind in your hear as you watch the waves roll in and out on Folly beach
And always funky vibes and laid back beach bums

It is jamming out to Greatful Dead music or reggae vibes at The Pour House and going to the Sunday brunch Markets on weekends.

It is strawberry picking in the Spring

It is the taste of boiled peanuts at a river dogs game and watching fireworks on 4th of July
It is oyster roasts and riding carnival rides at the fair in North Charleston in the fall
And don't forget fright night at boone hall
It is the festival of lights on James Island in the winter and wearing shorts on Christmas Eve because it is still 80 degrees

It is watching sweetgrass baskets be made in at the market downtown and learning about Gullah
Taking a stroll to the batterry, admiring the colors or rainbow row and dipping your toes in the pineapple fountain

It is the rich history of  the holy city pirates, plantations, and unfortunately slavery but beautiful architecture

It is the taste of shrimp and grits melting in your mouth and sweet muscadine wine from Deep Water Vineyard

It is sweet childhood memories of growing up in one of the top tourist destinations and taking for granted what a unique and beautiful place it is until you grow up and know what it is like to live somewhere else

Favorite moments in Africa

When I think of Africa I think of:
Waking up to the sound of Lions roaring in the distance
Feeling the rough skin of an Elephants back
Hearing a cheetah pur as I pet it's spot
Walking to breakfast and seeing giraffes eating leaves off trees in the distance
The speed of cheetah racing past me
A green iguana laying on my hand
Finding out that hippos can swin fast when  protecting their territory
The brightest reds, yellows, and oranges that I've ever seen in a sunset
The sight of a pack of lions waking up from a nap at Kruger national park
Standing up on a surf board for the first time
The adrenaline rush of jumping off a cliff
Swimming with dolphins right beside me
Walking through the blue city
The taste of mint tea
Riding a camel in the Saharan Desert &
Gazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen before
 Playing soccer with little children and their smiling faces of grattitude
Yeah I could get use to this
These are some of  the moment I felt most alive
I need to go back

Cliff jumping

Climbing up a mountain
The anticipation killing me
And then
Going up a rickety ladder
Fearing for my life
It would be so easy to fall right now
But then the warm embrace of arms helping me up
Standing on the edge of cliff
Contemplating if I want to jump
Feeling excitement and fear at the same time
Should I jump?
What if I don't jump far enough and fall on a rock?
So many questions swirling in my head
Pats on the back and encouraging words
 " You can do this" they say
Oh gosh, here goes nothing
I jump
Wow, will I ever hit the water
splash
What a relief
I did it!
I'm proud
So this is what it feels like to be alive
"Please let me never forget this feeling" I think to myself

Surfing for the first time

The rush of excitement as I stand up for my first time on a surf board
The feeling of gliding in the waves as they come crashing towards the shore
And the smell of salt water
The sounds of cheers encouraging me on
And in Mozambique of all place,
When I grew up by Folly Beach?
I felt alive
"Yeah this is what I want more of in my life" I thought to myself

Cheetahs in South Africa

Did you know a cheetah pur's, yeah just like a cat
Imagine that
The feeling of the fur as I pet her spots
Who would ever thought that I would get to pet a cheetah
And hear it's soft pur
Pass the ball around with one, like it's a house cat
And learn how to make their food
The fear and bewilderment that stirs inside
When i drop his plate of food and whip away before he eats me instead
Being able to watch them speed past me at 58 miles per hour
So sureal, what else can I say?

The Saharan Desert

Bouncing up in down on a camels back
As he strolls through the desert
Tents in the distance
And then we arive
The smell of vegetables and meat cooking on a fire, this meal called Tagine
The warmth of the fire on my skin
After dinner listen to drums beating away in a drum circle
And then going to lay on a log and I see
Brilliant bright stars shining brighter than I ever seen before
The taste of peppermint tea still in my mouth
The sound of camels snoring in the distant
The feeling of the wind on my face and sand in between in my toes
Amazement welling up inside me
Is this real?
I can't believe I am laying beneath the stars of the Saharan dessert right now
Did I really ride a camel to get here?
Life is pretty wild sometimes
I want to keep this moment forever

Lonliness

Loenliness is longing for a warm embrace
Holding a hand, giving a hug, or a forehead kiss
It is yearning for deep conversation
To be seen, heard, and understood

Hope is day dreaming about what you would want in someone
Someone who memorizes every freckle and sees every scar but doesn't run away
Someone who embraces every flaw and imperfection but focused on your strengths instead
Always builds you up and never judges
Lights up when they see you and misses you when you are away
Always makes you laugh even when you are sad and lets you be yourself
No matter how much of a dork you are

Optimism is imagining what it could be like next time
It comes easy, never forced
It doesn't end in heart break
It is not all consuming or smothering
It ignites the soul and puts the heart at ease
It is sharing dreams, desires, and visions of the future
It feels safe, like coming home

Emotions

Emotions are weird
To get out of one of my worst seasonal depression episodes only  for a pandemic to happen right after.
To get laid off and now have to much free time to contemplate.
 There is fear of the unknown.
 And heart break for those struggling around you
 Guilt for not struggling as much as others
A desire to help but a helpless feeling it is not enough
 A realization of how much you took for granted.
 Admiration and appreciation for essential workers.
Anxiousness for life to get back to normal.
And a profound thankfulness for health, a safe place to stay, sunshine, life itself.

Disability Awareness: Leaving Behind Ignorant Assumptions

To be disabled does not mean you lack abilities
 It means we are able to do things but jyst differently
It doesn't mean to be capable of less
It means to be adaptable

To have an intellectual disability does not mean one is not smart
It just means to learn differently and at your own pace
Having a physical disability does not mean you have a intellectual one too

People with disabilities are still capable
Of intelligence
Capable of being athletic
Capable of independence
Capable of success
Often even more capable of love
Of kindness & acceptance
Patience & optimism
Compassion & empathy
Persistence & determination
Because of the obstacles we face

Broaden your vocabulary
Don't use the R word
An ignorant word that under minds a whole community of beautiful and loving people
Handicapped is not appropriate either
Person-first language is in
Or rather just call us by our names
We are not our disability
We are so much more
People are so much more than the apperance and their flaws
So much more than a label
We are our personalities
We are out characteristic traits
We are our passions
And we are our strengths
We are perfect just the way we are

What Other People Think

Is it really best to not care what others think of you?
Maybe it is more of a balance of caring about the constructive criticism of loved ones
But not for the insults of those whose only goal is to boost their own ego

If I didn't care at all what others think of me then I wouldn't consider how others are effected by my actions

The world doesn't revolve around me
And I wouldn't want it to
I rather love selflessly enough to not always expect something in return

I want my laugh to be contagious
I want to be a light house that shows people the way back home to who they really are
I want to be a disco ball that shines with so much positivity that it makes other people feel positive too
I want to be a sun that radiates so much warmth that it reminds others what their is too love about themselves

 I heard a quote one time that said "Happiness only exists when shared"
 But the person you spend the most time with is yourself
Why not become someone you can be happy to spend all your time with?

But happiness is definitely expanded when shared
When love grows for ourselves, the love also grows in all of our relationships
And when the quality of our relationships grows, happiness and well being does too
Humans are made for connection, love, and belonging

In Someone Else's Shoes

The heels of the movie star as she walks down the runway at a lavish award ceremony
The Jordan's of a professional basketball player as he dribbles the ball up the court
The boots of a fire fighter running into a burning house to put out a fire
The loafers of a doctor saving a life in a heart transplant surgery
The old beat up sneakers of of a homeless man begging for food on the streets of New York City
Or the lack of shoes of the monk in India meditating on a mountain
To put yourself in someone else's shoes
The vastness in the human experience
To go inside another mind to see how it works
Why are they the way they are?
How did they become that way?
My one perspective so limiting
When there is so much is out there
Sonder
To realize that everyone has a life as complex as one's own
Taking place at the same time as one own life
With intricacies that one is unaware of
To travel and to exchange stories with everyone you meet
Glimpses of other people's worlds comes to life
And growth of knowledge, understanding and compassion is unintentionally gained

Together in Our Humaness

Together In Our Humanness

My day-to-day issues, 

worries, and insecurities

are so small. 

If I put down my ego,

I realize

I am so lucky:

for where I was born

for a family who provided for me

for opportunities to learn 

and provide for myself.

I have so much to be thankful for.

But how selfish 

is the society we live in, 

to have so much 

but not be willing to share our wealth?

There are so many people 

in so many countries,

including our own:

in despair

homeless

starving

and now dying of coronavirus,

with little hope for their future.

We are all one in our humanness.

No need to let borders and diversity 

create distance between us.

Instead we should share our good fortune, 

take care of one another,

take care of our environment 

of depleting resources and endangered species.

Sharing our wealth 

is needed more than ever now.

But in times like these,  

it gives me at least a little peace

to see people who have the means 

coming together to help those in need,

to fight corona.

We are all in this together.

I Want To Be Someone I Admire

I want to be someone I admire
The most distinguishable difference between who I am and the peope I admire
are that they are actively pursuing their dreams, their passions, their desires.
They are ruthlessly in prioritizing their goals
I have never had a dusty imagination full of cobwebs
My challenge has been the opposite of too many dreams, places to go, things to do
Which one should I choose?
The world opens up to those who are decesive
Those who block out the overwhelming noise of the world telling you what to do and who to be
Those who don't listen to the opinions of others
Those who don't go by society's standards or timelines
But those who only listen to their own intuition
Not everyone can be a famous athlete, superstar, or president
Not everyone can be the person to solve word hunger, find world peace, or find a cure to cancer
But if everyone thought that way no one would try
There would be no change makers
The world would be a much sadder place
Life is short, no time for passive lethargy
To make a difference, I must put my ego away and use my gifts to serve the world
Take responsibility and actively participate in making the most of my experience of this one precious life
That is what it would take to be someone I admire
I want to be someone I admire

Comparisons

Comparison is:
the thief of joy
a never ending battle
a waste of time
But it is human nature
Hard to avoid when it is all around us
In the highlight reel of everyone's life on social media
The grass always looks greener on the other side

I sometimes imagine what would it be like:
To be someone who lights up a room
To have a captivating energy that catches everyone's attention
To be someone everyone wants to be like
Confidence made to seem as easy as breathing
Talent and beauty at their feet
What a dream

But then I realize that maybe there is always more to one's life than may seem
Everyone struggles with something
Everyone has flaws and everyone has gifts
Everyone has their own beauty
And other's beauty does not take away from your own


I realize to immediately stop my thought when a comparison comes and replace it with a thankful one
Through the hardships the beautiful moments are able to be felt more deeply
And to be beautiful, is to be one's self: quirks, flaws, and all

Glowing comes from being comfortable in your own skin
Lighting up a room comes from living your truth and becoming your most authentic self
Captivating energy comes through using one's gifts to make the world a better place
The world needs everyone
No talent, thought, act of kindness insignificant
There will always be someone who needs what you have to give

Dreamer

I am a dreamer
Hopelessly always dreaming of far away places
 Desperately having wonderlust and fear of missing out
Yearning to travel
To see the world
Experience new cultures
Meet new people
Make a difference in the world
Go on endless adventures
Hike the tallest mountains
Scuba dive in the bluest oceans
Sky dive from the highest airplanes 
Feel the adrenaline rush of excitement
Seek new thrills in every place I go
Learn new skills, languages, and talents
There are so many things to do in this world
So many people to meet
And experiences to have
It is exciting
And it is daunting
To want to do it all
There are northern lights shining in the sky right now somewhere in the world
Camels roaming in the Saharan Desert
A pack of Lions waking up from a nap at Kruger National Park
Cheetahs racing in the plains of South Africa
Dolphins swimming in the Gulf of Mexico
But there is something profoundly soothing in knowing all of these miraculous things exist
Maybe that is in and of itself enough
In and of itself, knowing these amazing things exist is pretty spectacular
The world has so much to offer
Rather than be discouraged, I choose to be inspired of all the possibilities to make the most of this one beautiful life

I Am Still That Kid

All I want is to be:
loved
seen
understood
& belong

But Isn't that what everyone wants?

Then why are we so quick to judge
hurt each other
put each other down
and criticize?

Instead of building each other up
Encouraging one another
Loving and accepting each other unconditionally
Giving each other what we know we desperately need and want?

As the saying goes "Treat others how you want to be treated"
But what if I don't treat myself so well?
What if the way I talk to myself isn't so kind?

I was given advice one time that I should imagine myself as a child:
Young, innocent, and beaming with curiosity about the world

Would I want to tell my chubby checked, happy go lucky younger self that she is unlovable?
Would I want to tell the little girl who always had a smile on her face while she climbed trees and played in the dirt that she is ugly?

Would I want to tell the kid who ate a whole cone of chocolate chip mint ice cream, with out a second thought other than the fact that it would bring her joy that she is unworthy because the body she has been given?

Would I tell this kid that she is not enough?

No, that would be absurd

I would want to tell her:
She is beautiful
She is worthy
She is loved
She is enough

I would want to tell her that she is capable
Capable of hiking up mountains with those little legs
Holding mom's homemade pancakes with that chubby tummy
Singing beautiful songs with those lips even if a bit tone deaf
Dancing to the beat of her own wacky drum
Giving bear hugs with those skinny arms
And walking on all 7 continents with those tiny feet even if it is with a little bit of a limp

I would tell this silly kid who loved to wear rugrats t-shirts & purple fanny packs, and stick out her tongue in pictures that she will flourish
That she will grow up to be a kind, compassionate, and successful human being
That she is safe to be her perfectly imperfect, goofy, awkward self and live her most authentic life
That she is safe to dream the biggest, wildest, and craziest dreams that her creative brain can think up
She is capable of making the most beautiful story of this one precious life come true


I must remember that I am still that kid
I deserve my love and respect just as much as anyone else.

If  I saw all the acts of kindness I give
I would see all the goodness I leave behind
How bright I make the world
And the impact I have on others
I will realize then that I sincerely
In the grandest sense
Matter in this world
And so do you
 

COVID-19

There isn't really much I can on Coronavirus that hasn't already been said with the wealth of information there is on this topic right now but here are my thoughts on it right now.
Hopefully everyone knows by now that we must wash our hands and stay at home to flatten the curve.
This pandemic is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
It is all that anyone talks about these days, It is all around us, in the news and social media.
I can't watch the news without another heartbreaking story.
I can't go on social media without seeing another meme using humor to cope about social distancing.
What a weird time to be a live.
So many thoughts and feelings revolving around the Coronavirus in the world right now.
So much fear.
So much disbelief and down playing this virus.
So much panic.
So much isolation.
So many opinions and perspectives.
So many people infected, at least 200,000.
So many jobs lost, around 701,000.
So many people on lock down.
So many hands being washed.
So many weddings being postponed and graduation ceremonies being canceled.
So much vulnerability in the elderly, expectant mothers, and those with previous conditions.
So many deaths, at least 8,000.
So much selfishness.
Hoarding toilet paper.
So much selfishness. 
Not following the government's recommendations and risking one's own life and the lives of others.
For what? 
Boredom?
Denial?
Ignorance?

So many questions.
How do I cope and process this crisis?
How can my heart not feel so heavy for all those who are suffering so much?
How can my heart bare it all?
No one expects it would happen to them.
What if it happens to me or someone I love?
What to do with so many jobs lost and so many families suffering to meet their basic needs?
How to grieve so many deaths?
What to do when we are forced to stay at home?
How can I help?

But it is not all bad.
Air pollution is decreasing.
Despite the selfishness shown, there has also been an enormous amount of kindness and selflessness.
People are coming together to try to help.
So many people donating to charities such as Meals on Wheels, No Kids left Hungry and CoVID-19 response.
So many essential workers risking their lives to help complete and total strangers.
So many people trying to use their time on lock down to grow, learn, and improve.
There is still so much hope, encouragement, and love.

This experience is a paradox of being isolated and feeling small yet being a part of something so large.
We are all in this together and we are showing it more than ever now.
There are Sing-a-long lock downs in Italy.
There is appreciation for health care workers shown globally.
There is appreciation for other essential workers such as those working at groceries stores being expressed as well.
There are police lining the streets of hospitals to flash their lights and applaud local health care workers in Spain.
There are communities coming together to applaud on balconies, out at sea, and signs at hospital windows here in the US.
There is food being delivered for people without or who are more at risk to get their own.
There are fellow neighbors doing chores such as yard work for the elderly or those who are more susceptible to diseases.
There are heart warming videos of visitations to hospitals and retirement homes to love ones through their windows with songs to bring them joy or grandchildren to meet for the first time.
And other random acts of kindness being preformed to those in need in these hard times.

I want to do as much as I can to help.
This means washing my hands, staying at home, and donating to charities.
Even though I wish I could more.

I also want to use my time wisely: to learn new stills, use my creativity, be active and stay positive. Writing is one creative outlet I use to express myself or cope with hard times.But is it selfish for me to use this time for self improvement when others are fighting this virus right now to just stay a live, or are struggling to have enough money for basic need for their families or  who have no home to sleep in?
"I am not stuck at home, I'm safe at home."
Maybe when you improve for yourself, you also improve for others too and are able to help them better. As we improve individually we also improve collectively.
Maybe we are always all in this together and events like this just make us realize our oneness, although some are experiencing moreor different types of hardships than others, as well as some  countries are experiencing more hardships than others.

"And the people stayed home and read books and listened to music and rested and exercised and made art and played games  and learned new ways of being and were still and listened more deeply. Some meditated and played, some danced, Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindlessly and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed and the people joined together, they grieved their losses and created new ways to heal the earth and they had been healed."-Kitty O'mera

I hope to learn new ways to think and grow from this experiences. I hope to never forget all I have to appreciate and be thankful for. I wish this for everyone else too. I am glad that at least we know we are not alone, we are all in this together. This to shall past. But for now, please wash your hands and stay at home.

"When this is over may we never take for granted, a hand shake with a stranger, a full shelf in a store, conversations with our neighbor, a crowded theater on a Friday night out, the taste of communion, a routine check up, the school rush each morning, coffee with a friend, the stadium roaring, each deep breath, a boring Tuesday, life itself. When this ends may we find we become more like the people we wanted to be, we are called to be, and may we stay that way- better for each other because of the worst."-Lauren Kelly Fanucci