Star Stuff

 

There is a fundamental reason why we look at the sky with wonder and longing — for the same reason that we stand, hour after hour, gazing at the distant swell of the open ocean. There is something like an ancient wisdom, encoded and tucked away in our DNA, that knows its point of origin as surely as a salmon knows its creek. Intellectually, we may not want to return there, but the genes know, and long for their origins—their home in the salty depths. But if the seas are our immediate source, the penultimate source is certainly the heavens… The spectacular truth is—and this is something that your DNA has known all along—the very atoms of your body—the iron, calcium, phosphorus, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, and on and on—were initially forged in long-dead stars. This is why, when you stand outside under a moonless, country sky, you feel some ineffable tugging at your innards. We are star stuff. Keep looking up.

Jerry Waxman

Toxic

 People are always like that person is bad or that person is toxic. 

This term is used so loosely

I don't think I believe in that.

Besides some circumstances where people refuse to change 

I don't think most people are  bad or toxic

People aren't black and white

Good or bad

They are more complicated than that

 I think people are just broken because what they have been through in their past.

 We are all a little broken maybe because we all have gone through hard experiences or tough circumstances. 

Maybe the people who we think are bad or toxic really just have poor coping mechanisms and they haven't accepted or taken responsibility for their pain, to turn it into something good.

There are just reasons why people became the way they did

 It is each person's responsibility to use the pain you have been through as lessons to grow from

Even though your trauma is not your fault

It doesn't give you the right to harm others

It is still up to you to get through it

And make your life what you want it to be

Do you want to be someone others think are bad or toxic?

Do you want it to be a negative cycle of blame and anger?

Or do you choose forgiveness, peace, and happiness?

It is easier said than done

And it will be a long road with a lot of bumps a long the way

But it will be worth it in the end

When you confront your inner demons and insecurities

With grace, forgiveness and self compassion

And try to grow from every experience and mistake made

Then you are more likely to treat other people the same way

And when you are more aligned with yourself and others, you attract the vibes that you desire

It all starts with you

Leap towards Connection

 One of my favorite quotes

Please whatever you do leap towards tenderness, leap towards connection. We are all afraid to say too much. To feel too deeply. But caring is not synonymous with crazy. Expressing to someone how you feel will make you vulnerable there is no denying that however, there is a breathe taking beautiful thing in moments of magic. When you strip down and are honest with those who are important to you. When you choose to slam your heart into those who ignite something within it, when you express it. So express it. Open yourself up to the world and be bold in who and what you are. There is courage in that.

Silver lining

 I may feel things too intensely but it is better than feeling nothing at all, empty.

I may feel great sadness but I also feel immense happiness

I may wear my heart on my sleeve but it is better than bottling things up

I may be too forgiving but it is better than letting anger eat me alive.

I may care too much but it's better than being controlled by ego and selfish desires

Silver lining

Guarded

 I try to guard my heart

Not open up too quicky

And let people in

Be feircly independent

Never ask for help

Always be ok

By myself

Because I've been let down so many times before

I know once I care there is no going back

I care too deeply

I feel too much

I forgive too easily

Once I open up

I overshare

I over worry

I over love

Why do my feelings have to be so intense?

Everything is go big or go home

Why can't I do anything or be anything in moderation?

I go all in because happiness is only real when shared 

Or I say fuck people, the only person you can't leave is yourself so be someone who you can be happy with spending 24/7 with

And it only matters if you are at peace with yourself

How do you find the balance?

To trust in people but not rely on them too much?

To be secure, happy, and independent on your own without building up your walls too much?

Letting your guard down without risking all the strength you built up within yourself?

But we are social creatures and relationships play a huge role in our happiness

I've been on the other side too where others seem to rely on me for happiness too much also

Let it Go

 Go with the flow

Let it go

Let things happen

Let people be free

Maybe it wasn't meant to be

Float down stream

Sometimes easier said than done

When meaningful memories float in your head

Appreciate it for what it was

Paths that crossed

A rare connection

A beautiful friendship 

Many profound lessons learned

Advice that will last a life time

Memories to cherish

A feeling of gratitude to feel seen, understood and valued 

Even if only for a moment

A helping hand in a time of need

A shining light in a dark place

Good vibes and chemistry

As I float on

I silently cheer on the ones

Who fly in a different direction.

Maybe our paths will cross again, maybe they won't

But will always wish them the best

 For them to have a beautiful life

And for all their dreams come true

Space

 Space is important

Everyone needs their own space

Space to breathe

Space to think

Space to be themselves

But space can be hard to give when you're anxious

When you feel alone

When you are in a bad mental state

Or sick of always having to be strong and independent

When you don't want to lose a great connection

When you want to fix

But fixing doesn't happen right away

Sometimes it takes time

And that's ok

This is another lesson I'm learning

Work in progress for sure

I'm crazy

 I'm crazy

I'll be the first to admit that.

I would say that I'm crazy and proud but to be honest I'm not always so proud.

I defend it all the time to by saying "Normal is a myth"

And everyone has something crazy about themselves

But what I should really do is work to inprove the "crazy" parts about myself

My mom used to say " You drive me crazy" all the time from that oldies song She drives me crazy

What drives you crazy about yourself?

For me it's how much I care

I'm obssesive when it comes to the amount I love people and what I would do for the people who matter to me

Especially when I do something wrong

I apologize non stop

I over think, and over explain, and can't stop my brain

Until I fix things

Because of anxiety

Its a  response from losing people i love, feeling unseen or unworthy  because growing up with a disability I never felt like I fit in

I felt like I was weird and this effected my confidence

It took me until today years old (26) to really open up and be my true self around people

To feel comfortable in my own skin

And now i am almost shocked when people show interest in me because I am not use to people wanting to spend time with me as much as I want to spend time with them.

Being a loner-ish( not having many friends I was super close with, rather aquiantenceships) made it so that I had a skewed sense of self worth where I almost don't feel deserving when people value my company

So when i do find people i connect with, i can act a little crazy when conflict arises because i don't want to lose that connection

The slightest bit of kindness shown to me means more to me because I'm not used to people going out of their way to help me

We are so scared of people thinking we are crazy.

Like being crazy is the worse thing

But is being crazy really just being human??

We all have baggage from things that happened to us in the past

We all let our emotions do silly irrational things at times

We all have flaws and insecurities

We all have regrets and make mistakes

I guess what is most important is how what we learn from the crazy

I think I know it all, but I don't

All I know is that I am human, I make mistakes but I am trying to be the best version of myself. 

A lifelong work in progress

And maybe the people who are meant to be in your life will make it through the crazy with you

They accept your crazy because you accept theirs

Life is crazy enough to not make other people feel like they are crazy for the way they try to make it through

"It was my life - like all lives, mysterious and irrevocable and sacred. So very close, so very present, so very belonging to me.
How wild it was, to let it be.”

Let your crazy self and crazy life be what is and make the most of who you are. Acceptance comes before improvement.