Contradictory Desires

 A feeling of restlessness always lingers with me

A need for change

How much of my wanderlust and dreams to travel is just escapism though?

Contradictory desires consume my thoughts

Adventure and travel vs Stability

Comfort of finding my person and having a family versus freedom

Which are my desires and which ones are desires that the world taught me to want?

Which would be more fufilling?

Fears of feeling trapped by commitment and responsibilities. Fear of missing out also.  But i can also see the cons of always being on the run from these things. 

Although a quote from Into the Wild has stuck with me...Happiness is only real when shared. After a life pursuing his dreams of living in the wild of Alaska... he comes to the realization of how much happiness is determined by time spent with people you have meaningful connectios with.

Maybe I romanticize living a nomadic lifestyle/ traveling too much

But also want purpose and meaning

Being a preschool teacher does this for me but I can feel burnt out from it too.

 It always has me thinking of the pros and cons to having kids of my own.  Fear of comittment responsibility or freedom being taken away even keeps me from thinking about getting a dog sometimes lol

Or maybe it is a fear of it not happening, not finding my person, not being good enough, not having my mom to help... because parenting seems all consuming and never ending but I love children and the rewards would probably outweigh the challenges

Pursuing a career in counseling is fufilling, is a path that will lead to purpose and meaning

So why do I find myself daydreaming of other lives I could have chosen where I could be traveling right now instead?

I guess the commitment and serious ness to it all

I can probably find opportunities tose travel while helping people with their mental health when I graduate 

Just have to be patient

Sometimes it is just hard to picture my future and decide what I want. I think my fears are the barriers to that.

Never want to make choices purely over practicality... my imagination is to big for that. I dream of an extraordinary life. But there is also privilege I have in this that makes me feel greedy for these desires.

And maybe the amount of extraordinary things that happen to you depend on what you pay attention to.

Always a reminder to be thankful for what I have and find the beauty and excitement in where I am now in the present moment. Magic in the mundane to keep me sane.

A balance between letting things happen if/ when they are meant to and manifesting what I want

Barriers

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.~ Rumi

 My barriers are trust:

Trusting that it is only worth going where you are wanted

Trusting the right person will come along

Trusting I can depend on people and letting go of the hyper independent attitude I sometimes have because I had to work so hard to gain it 

Trusting that the feeling is mutual

Trusting that I don't have to alway be the first to text, call or make plans

Trusting people to stay even when they see all my flaws, people won't always let me down when I rely on them

Trusting my worth

Trusting myself to be able to keep my balance

Trusting I can be happy to love but not let my happiness depend on love

Trusting I can still feel free to be me and not feel smothered with the responsibility of someone else's happiness

To trust letting my guard down without risking all the strength I've built 

Trusting I can find love while staying secure , happy, and independent within my most authentic self

Trusting my love won't stop me from making my travel dreams come true and maybe even find someone to do it with

Seeking and finding my barriers & accepting what has kept me from finding love is the first steps to tearing down those barriers and manifesting more love in my life

But not trusting others to easily either, it must be earned

What barriers do you have that keeps you from loving as much as you could?