Contradictory Desires

 A feeling of restlessness always lingers with me

A need for change

How much of my wanderlust and dreams to travel is just escapism though?

Contradictory desires consume my thoughts

Adventure and travel vs Stability

Comfort of finding my person and having a family versus freedom

Which are my desires and which ones are desires that the world taught me to want?

Which would be more fufilling?

Fears of feeling trapped by commitment and responsibilities. Fear of missing out also.  But i can also see the cons of always being on the run from these things. 

Although a quote from Into the Wild has stuck with me...Happiness is only real when shared. After a life pursuing his dreams of living in the wild of Alaska... he comes to the realization of how much happiness is determined by time spent with people you have meaningful connectios with.

Maybe I romanticize living a nomadic lifestyle/ traveling too much

But also want purpose and meaning

Being a preschool teacher does this for me but I can feel burnt out from it too.

 It always has me thinking of the pros and cons to having kids of my own.  Fear of comittment responsibility or freedom being taken away even keeps me from thinking about getting a dog sometimes lol

Or maybe it is a fear of it not happening, not finding my person, not being good enough, not having my mom to help... because parenting seems all consuming and never ending but I love children and the rewards would probably outweigh the challenges

Pursuing a career in counseling is fufilling, is a path that will lead to purpose and meaning

So why do I find myself daydreaming of other lives I could have chosen where I could be traveling right now instead?

I guess the commitment and serious ness to it all

I can probably find opportunities tose travel while helping people with their mental health when I graduate 

Just have to be patient

Sometimes it is just hard to picture my future and decide what I want. I think my fears are the barriers to that.

Never want to make choices purely over practicality... my imagination is to big for that. I dream of an extraordinary life. But there is also privilege I have in this that makes me feel greedy for these desires.

And maybe the amount of extraordinary things that happen to you depend on what you pay attention to.

Always a reminder to be thankful for what I have and find the beauty and excitement in where I am now in the present moment. Magic in the mundane to keep me sane.

A balance between letting things happen if/ when they are meant to and manifesting what I want