Comparisons

Comparison is:
the thief of joy
a never ending battle
a waste of time
But it is human nature
Hard to avoid when it is all around us
In the highlight reel of everyone's life on social media
The grass always looks greener on the other side

I sometimes imagine what would it be like:
To be someone who lights up a room
To have a captivating energy that catches everyone's attention
To be someone everyone wants to be like
Confidence made to seem as easy as breathing
Talent and beauty at their feet
What a dream

But then I realize that maybe there is always more to one's life than may seem
Everyone struggles with something
Everyone has flaws and everyone has gifts
Everyone has their own beauty
And other's beauty does not take away from your own


I realize to immediately stop my thought when a comparison comes and replace it with a thankful one
Through the hardships the beautiful moments are able to be felt more deeply
And to be beautiful, is to be one's self: quirks, flaws, and all

Glowing comes from being comfortable in your own skin
Lighting up a room comes from living your truth and becoming your most authentic self
Captivating energy comes through using one's gifts to make the world a better place
The world needs everyone
No talent, thought, act of kindness insignificant
There will always be someone who needs what you have to give

Dreamer

I am a dreamer
Hopelessly always dreaming of far away places
 Desperately having wonderlust and fear of missing out
Yearning to travel
To see the world
Experience new cultures
Meet new people
Make a difference in the world
Go on endless adventures
Hike the tallest mountains
Scuba dive in the bluest oceans
Sky dive from the highest airplanes 
Feel the adrenaline rush of excitement
Seek new thrills in every place I go
Learn new skills, languages, and talents
There are so many things to do in this world
So many people to meet
And experiences to have
It is exciting
And it is daunting
To want to do it all
There are northern lights shining in the sky right now somewhere in the world
Camels roaming in the Saharan Desert
A pack of Lions waking up from a nap at Kruger National Park
Cheetahs racing in the plains of South Africa
Dolphins swimming in the Gulf of Mexico
But there is something profoundly soothing in knowing all of these miraculous things exist
Maybe that is in and of itself enough
In and of itself, knowing these amazing things exist is pretty spectacular
The world has so much to offer
Rather than be discouraged, I choose to be inspired of all the possibilities to make the most of this one beautiful life

I Am Still That Kid

All I want is to be:
loved
seen
understood
& belong

But Isn't that what everyone wants?

Then why are we so quick to judge
hurt each other
put each other down
and criticize?

Instead of building each other up
Encouraging one another
Loving and accepting each other unconditionally
Giving each other what we know we desperately need and want?

As the saying goes "Treat others how you want to be treated"
But what if I don't treat myself so well?
What if the way I talk to myself isn't so kind?

I was given advice one time that I should imagine myself as a child:
Young, innocent, and beaming with curiosity about the world

Would I want to tell my chubby checked, happy go lucky younger self that she is unlovable?
Would I want to tell the little girl who always had a smile on her face while she climbed trees and played in the dirt that she is ugly?

Would I want to tell the kid who ate a whole cone of chocolate chip mint ice cream, with out a second thought other than the fact that it would bring her joy that she is unworthy because the body she has been given?

Would I tell this kid that she is not enough?

No, that would be absurd

I would want to tell her:
She is beautiful
She is worthy
She is loved
She is enough

I would want to tell her that she is capable
Capable of hiking up mountains with those little legs
Holding mom's homemade pancakes with that chubby tummy
Singing beautiful songs with those lips even if a bit tone deaf
Dancing to the beat of her own wacky drum
Giving bear hugs with those skinny arms
And walking on all 7 continents with those tiny feet even if it is with a little bit of a limp

I would tell this silly kid who loved to wear rugrats t-shirts & purple fanny packs, and stick out her tongue in pictures that she will flourish
That she will grow up to be a kind, compassionate, and successful human being
That she is safe to be her perfectly imperfect, goofy, awkward self and live her most authentic life
That she is safe to dream the biggest, wildest, and craziest dreams that her creative brain can think up
She is capable of making the most beautiful story of this one precious life come true


I must remember that I am still that kid
I deserve my love and respect just as much as anyone else.

If  I saw all the acts of kindness I give
I would see all the goodness I leave behind
How bright I make the world
And the impact I have on others
I will realize then that I sincerely
In the grandest sense
Matter in this world
And so do you
 

COVID-19

There isn't really much I can on Coronavirus that hasn't already been said with the wealth of information there is on this topic right now but here are my thoughts on it right now.
Hopefully everyone knows by now that we must wash our hands and stay at home to flatten the curve.
This pandemic is unlike anything I've ever experienced.
It is all that anyone talks about these days, It is all around us, in the news and social media.
I can't watch the news without another heartbreaking story.
I can't go on social media without seeing another meme using humor to cope about social distancing.
What a weird time to be a live.
So many thoughts and feelings revolving around the Coronavirus in the world right now.
So much fear.
So much disbelief and down playing this virus.
So much panic.
So much isolation.
So many opinions and perspectives.
So many people infected, at least 200,000.
So many jobs lost, around 701,000.
So many people on lock down.
So many hands being washed.
So many weddings being postponed and graduation ceremonies being canceled.
So much vulnerability in the elderly, expectant mothers, and those with previous conditions.
So many deaths, at least 8,000.
So much selfishness.
Hoarding toilet paper.
Not following the government's recommendations and risking one's own life and the lives of others.
For what? 
Boredom?
Denial?
Ignorance?

So many questions.
How do I cope and process this crisis?
How can my heart not feel so heavy for all those who are suffering so much?
How can my heart bare it all?
No one expects it would happen to them.
What if it happens to me or someone I love?
What to do with so many jobs lost and so many families suffering to meet their basic needs?
How to grieve so many deaths?
What to do when we are forced to stay at home?
How can I help?

But it is not all bad.
Air pollution is decreasing.
Despite the selfishness shown, there has also been an enormous amount of kindness and selflessness.
People are coming together to try to help.
So many people donating to charities such as Meals on Wheels, No Kids left Hungry and CoVID-19 response.
So many essential workers risking their lives to help complete and total strangers.
So many people trying to use their time on lock down to grow, learn, and improve.
There is still so much hope, encouragement, and love.

This experience is a paradox of being isolated and feeling small yet being a part of something so large.
We are all in this together and we are showing it more than ever now.
There are Sing-a-long lock downs in Italy.
There is appreciation for health care workers shown globally.
There is appreciation for other essential workers such as those working at groceries stores being expressed as well.
There are police lining the streets of hospitals to flash their lights and applaud local health care workers in Spain.
There are communities coming together to applaud on balconies, out at sea, and signs at hospital windows here in the US.
There is food being delivered for people without or who are more at risk to get their own.
There are fellow neighbors doing chores such as yard work for the elderly or those who are more susceptible to diseases.
There are heart warming videos of visitations to hospitals and retirement homes to love ones through their windows with songs to bring them joy or grandchildren to meet for the first time.
And other random acts of kindness being preformed to those in need in these hard times.

I want to do as much as I can to help.
This means washing my hands, staying at home, and donating to charities.
Even though I wish I could more.

I also want to use my time wisely: to learn new stills, use my creativity, be active and stay positive. Writing is one creative outlet I use to express myself or cope with hard times.But is it selfish for me to use this time for self improvement when others are fighting this virus right now to just stay a live, or are struggling to have enough money for basic need for their families or  who have no home to sleep in?
"I am not stuck at home, I'm safe at home."
Maybe when you improve for yourself, you also improve for others too and are able to help them better. As we improve individually we also improve collectively.
Maybe we are always all in this together and events like this just make us realize our oneness, although some are experiencing moreor different types of hardships than others, as well as some  countries are experiencing more hardships than others.

"And the people stayed home and read books and listened to music and rested and exercised and made art and played games  and learned new ways of being and were still and listened more deeply. Some meditated and played, some danced, Some met their shadows. And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. And in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindlessly and heartless ways, the earth began to heal. And when the danger passed and the people joined together, they grieved their losses and created new ways to heal the earth and they had been healed."-Kitty O'mera

I hope to learn new ways to think and grow from this experiences. I hope to never forget all I have to appreciate and be thankful for. I wish this for everyone else too. I am glad that at least we know we are not alone, we are all in this together. This to shall past. But for now, please wash your hands and stay at home.

"When this is over may we never take for granted, a hand shake with a stranger, a full shelf in a store, conversations with our neighbor, a crowded theater on a Friday night out, the taste of communion, a routine check up, the school rush each morning, coffee with a friend, the stadium roaring, each deep breath, a boring Tuesday, life itself. When this ends may we find we become more like the people we wanted to be, we are called to be, and may we stay that way- better for each other because of the worst."-Lauren Kelly Fanucci

Religion

Written in 2016

Religion "is an organized collection of beliefs, cultural systems, and world views that relate humanity to an order of existence. Many religions have narratives, symbols, and sacred histories that aim to explain the meaning of life, the origin of life, or the Universe."

I hate that religion divides people and causes war and violence. I don't like that we can't all just accept each others beliefs and coexist peacefully.  I guess it is hard to really accept people of all beliefs though if your beliefs says that the people who believe in other beliefs are going to hell because of it I like organizations like Better Together, that bring people together of all religions to find common ground with each other and work together to make the world a better place. I don't like when people try to force their beliefs on others or judge people of other beliefs.  I  don't think language like  saying that people of other beliefs are "lost" and need to be "saved".  I don't like how the perception of society that people who are  Christian are better people than people who are not.  People who do not believe can be really good people and people who do believe can use Christianity, and the fact that their sins are forgiven to do what they want. I don't understand how all sins are equal when harming other people seems way worse  than having sex before marriage. Sometimes I don't understand the emphasis on sin and that we are all sinners, for me it felt like a lot of pressure to be perfect even though it is just supposed to be humbling. But I do understand that if God does exist, he is much bigger and better than humans because he created everything. If he does exist, I understand in being thankful for everything he does and everything he has created and given me. But I don't think you need to spend all of your life just worshiping god because then you are not experiencing and appreciating all that this world has to offer.

I also don't like when people use religion to judge others, or to take other rights away. For example, gay rights. I don't agree with everything in the bible, like that homosexuality is a sin. But this may be a misinterpretation. The Bible can be interpreted in many different ways and can be used for good and bad. I wish people would just use it for helping and loving other people like the bible taught  instead of using it for power and taking other people's rights away.

I don't think people should go to hell for having different beliefs, even it is just a place that in absence of god because if god is everything good then it would be absence of good too. But maybe those who don't believe would not want to be in heaven with god anyways. I can understand God though too not want people there who don't believe in him but at the same time faith is really hard. There are so many things that can impact your beliefs such as where you live and what your family believes. Even Jewish people who believe in God but since they do not believe that Christ was the savior, they do not get to go to heaven? Maybe you just see so much suffering in the world and wonder how god can be good and have a plan for everyone if some people have it way better off than others.  Maybe bad times makes good times better or you can learn a lot through bad times and become stronger but that is not always the case. Even if what happens on this earth doesn't matter because the people who aren't well off but will be in heaven, then why even have earth? Why create people who won't believe in you, free will, but if you already know what they are going to believe is it really free will? Or is it really free will if you get punished with hell if you don't believe?  They say god is so much bigger than us that we can not understand his plans but it is hard to blindly trust and not want to understand. It makes sense to try to find the truth, to question beliefs and look to science for answers. But maybe religion and science can coexist. Sometimes I wonder why we have to know? I like that the pope said that hell did not exist and that people do not have to believe to go to heaven but can also go to heaven from doing their best to be good people. But I don't like that the catholic church turned around and said that he did not mean it how it sounded.

I grew up Christian but now I am more open minded to all beliefs and want to learn more about all beliefs.  But sometimes I feel pressured to be Christian because that is what my family believes and because I want to be able to see my mom again. I wonder what I want to teach my kids (if i have them) but I think it is better to let them decide for themselves. God and faith are something that you cannot see, you have to feel. I used to have faith and could feel in my heart that God is real and sometimes I want to feel it again. I admire the passion people have for their beliefs when they use them for good. I love listening to other people’s perspectives and I think it is important to be accepting and open minded to other people’s beliefs. The bible teaches to love everyone no matter what anyways.

These flaws in religion can lead others to not follow organized beliefs and either believe in nothing at all or create their own beliefs. I like this idea but do these beliefs matter if they are not the truth?

If God is real i hope, he just wants us to be happy. I hope that God is not focused on our sins so much but is mostly focused on how we treat others and that loving people and accepting each other’s difference are the most important things. I hope God understands doubt because faith is hard and people just want to know the truth. It can be seen as admirable to die for your religious beliefs like the girl in "She said yes" but it would suck if you were wrong and you die for nothing. People don't understand all of the evils of the world and suffering because not all of them are human caused. Even if it was human caused why would he create humans to be like that or do something about it afterwards? How does he choose the prayers he will answer/ people he will save? I don't understand god's plan because some go through so much more or have so much less time. So, i hope either God does not have a plan for everyone or if he does his plan is actually good and makes sense because It does not make sense to me. I also hope that god doesn’t put you people through things to test how strong their faith is because that does not seem right to me. People can only go through so much before they break and question things. I’m not sure if I agree that god gives the hardest challenges to the toughest people.

I understand being thankful for what you have and if it is from god being thankful of god. But I don't understand calling them blessing or saying that you are blessed because what about the other people who have less? It does not make sense that god choose to not bless them or bless them less. So blessings sometimes seems like bragging to me, like  look at all god choose to gave me but did not give you.. I must be better or mean more because god gave me more..idk. I hope god understands me not understanding why we have to know.. I don’t think not worshiping god means your worship yourself or idle things of this world. I think you can just be learning, living, and experiencing this world.

I hope god would want us to focus on the life we have now on this earth now, doing the best with what we have, making the most of our experiences, making a positive impact on other people, and living life the fullest/ enjoying it while we can. I hope god would be accepting of all beliefs and religions because it is hard to know what is the truth. Sometimes people who don’t believe, don’t believe because they care so much about humanity and don’t understand how a good/ all powerful god could let so much suffering happen. These people do whatever possible to help humanity as much as possible and I don’t think they deserve to go to hell. I hope God would let all of the people i love to be able to go to the same place after life. I still think as long as you try your best to find the truth, treat others with respect and do the best to be the best person you can be you should be ok.

    

Mental Health and Ways to Find Hope

Anxiety, Depression, Attention Deficit Disorder, Cerebral Palsy. Sometimes I feel like I have it all and it gets so heavy. 1 and 6 adults experience a mental illness throughout their life, so you are not alone. It is easy to go on a downward spiral when everything builds up without realizing it because of burnt out. Burnt out doesn't even have to mean that one is  doing too much, it could mean that they just aren't doing enough that brings you joy and passion. Mental Illness is real and just as hard to control or cope with as physically disabilities. It it is not the fault of the person who has a mental illness, although it can be hard to not feel like it is sometimes. Research has found that mental illness have huge biological and chemical factors but can be triggered by traumatic events. Mental Illness does not mean weakness, in a way it makes the person stronger because they have to deal with a lot more than an average person to get through a day. It can be hard to not let fear cause being paralyzed in knowing what to do next or how to feel better. One reason I write this blog is to reduce the stigma around mental illness. Anxiety can especially be hard when in the 20's and trying to figure out what you want to do next or wish to have done more than you have but the Irony of is it that the 20's are still so young that most people don't have it all figured it out then. What makes it even harder is social media, where comparisons can be a never winning battle that just robs people of joy, because it makes it seem like everyone else is happier than you and have their life together, although it is often a facade or it doesn't show the whole picture. The person who could look like the most attractive person who has it all together, could really be struggling  with themselves behind closed doors. It is hard in the day of social media when comparisons are all around us. Taking breaks from social media can be a must.

 I do my best to take responsibility for my emotions and not over react but another battle this sensitivity causes is not caring too much what people think, letting things go, as well as not being hard on myself. I am my own worst critic. When I feel like I am being judged or have conflict with someone, I shut down and it is hard to open up to people. But people will judge you no matter what and at times it can be more about how they feel about themselves or they have nothing better to do and want to fit in too. Caring too much of the perception of others is also silly because everyone is more focused on what they have going on in their own life anyways. It can be hard not to care because feeling connected to people, loved and understood can be so important for happiness but the people who matter accept you for who you are. So might as well embrace who you are because it matters more how you feel about yourself.

Although my normal self is more optimistic, bubbly, and happy, I am still naturally more reserved and it can take me longer to be myself around some people.  I can envy extroverts because I love being around people and talking to them. I love deep conversation and people that I can be goofy around and remind me not to take things too seriously. But I get bored with small talk easily and stare into space or look around a lot. Sometimes my anxiety and depression cause me to withdraw from people or become more awkward and paranoid that they are talking about me, although when I'm at my best I embrace my awkwardness. Normal is a myth, we are all a little weird haha.  When I let depression build up, I can't hide my feelings either, I go from being my bubbly and happy self to feeling and looking lifeless. My latest struggle forcing things that I don't want to do when I'm unhappy became impossible enough that I needed to take a break from everything to reset.

But in my reset I realized that my depression and anxiety, although partly biological and chemical is also do to my external circumstances. I was trying to force myself to do the things we are taught to do, be practical. Go to school, get an education, find a job. If you can't find a job that you are happy with the degree you have, go back to school and get another degree or settle for a job that just pays the bills because you need to do that to survive. Although some people are lucky and find a job that they love without worrying about too much education. Me, not so much, that I am really passionate about anyways. I decided to go back to school to become an Occupational Therapy Assistant because I wanted to use my experiences of having cerebral palsy to help other kids who have physically disabilities. But going back to school was harder to get the motivation than I thought. OTA requires a lot of math and science courses and those are just not my subjects, even though I could love the career once i got into it, It could also be like another career I tried ABA( although a great and rewarding job that I learned a lot from, it ended up being more travel and paper work than my brain could handle). But I may try to go back to OTA in the future.

So now I realized that my adventurous soul needs a more creative and fun type of job. So I have decided to go with what will make me happy and  start planning to find a job on Coolworks.com or other resources like it for my future, where I can combine my adventurous nature and helping children who have disabilities or maybe even learn something new. If you love adventures like me I highly recommend looking into it, also Workaway is a great website to find work exchange programs abroad as well. Moral of the story: don't feel like you have to always do the practical thing that society has taught us: get a job, pay the bills and die, settle for an average life. I spent so long trying to do the practical thing and in my comfort zone( besides some travel volunteer experience with work away and ISV that I'm thankful for) when I really want to just go out and explore the world while I'm young. Of course you do need money to do this, with a little dedication it may not be as hard as you originally think to save depending on your circumstances. Even though, some may have more privileges that make it easier for them to make it happen, it doesn't mean that you can't, it may just take a little more effort. There is more to life than settling for a job that just pays the bills, although there can be extraordinary/ meaningful moments in and satisfaction with the every day life of settling down, having a family, and stability too.

 You can find adventurous and meaningful work that pays your bills. Going the adventurous route may be scarier and not have retirement benefits or the stability but that is why you should go for it while you are young and healthy. Who needs retirement when you are still healthy enough to work and you love your job because it gives your purpose?

 What I learned from my personal experience is to just do what makes you happy. And if you think your mental illness (mostly anxiety/depression) is only due to biology and chemicals and you are losing hope, i suggest to take a look at your circumstances as well and see if there is anything you can change, although easier said than done, it could make a huge difference. It has for me and I am so thankful for that. On  a side note other factors I have found to be helpful in dealing with mental illness include: meaningful social connections, exercise, yoga, meditation, eating a healthy diet, and volunteering. As well as counseling and medicine if it comes to that too.

Welp those are my thoughts on mental illness, if you made it this far... thanks for coming to my Ted talk lol

Knowing Your Worth and Helping Others Realize Their Worth Too

Why do people hold on to hope of one person when that person does not show as much mutual interest? To me it does not seem worth it if you have to convince someone of your worth. Although I have done this too. I talked about how I learned my own worth in my blog post "Lessons" and "Being Your  Own Person"

In "Lessons" I explained the lesson I learned in knowing when to let go. I tried to hold on for so long because of what I used to have that I did not realize I was the only one still holding on.

 These quote describes perfectly why you should let go when the other person is not holding on anymore:

"I won't beg someone to love me. I  learned long ago that there is no use in hopeless pleas of trying to make someone stay. I am too good to chase someone who does not know my worth. I am too wild to keep waiting for someone who does not acknowledge  my value, I want to be loved unconditionally. I should not have to fight so hard for it. I do not have time to prove to some one that I am worth it. I should not have to prove any of that. I am worth more than that."

"Don't chase people, be yourself, do your own thing, and work hard. The right people- the ones who really belong in your life-will come to you And stay."-Will Smith

This applies to people who have crushes on other people who may not feel the same way too. Maybe they call them crushes because they end up crushing you if you don't give up hope when you realize the other person does not have a crush on you. But feelings can be so hard to control and sometimes you can't help the way you feel about someone. Sometimes it can be even hard to describe why you like someone so much, you just do. Other times your feelings for someone can feel like the thing that keeps you going when you are going through a hard time or feel like you are in a nightmare. But to me it seems like it would stay a nightmare if you continue to hold onto hope of someone who does not see your worth rather than trying to find someone who can see it on their own without trying to convince them. 

It is also important to find happiness within yourself too rather than relying on another person to make you happy.  In my blog post "Being your own Person" I talk about this. You have to love yourself before you can love others. Happiness does not come from other people, It comes from having confidence and respect for yourself. People need people. People can make you happy but you should not let your happiness only be based on other people. It is hard to not feel like something is missing when you aren't in a relationship because of the pressure and value society/culture put on being in love, but is important to be able to feel complete on your own. Having that special someone who loves being around you, is always there for you, and brings out the best in you is amazing but you can't force it to happen. 

If you really care about someone, you want them to be happy regardless of if they do choose you rather than wanting them to make you happy by choosing you. 

Like Osho said:

“If you love a flower, don’t pick it up.
Because if you pick it up it dies and it ceases to be what you love.
So if you love a flower, let it be.
Love is not about possession.
Love is about appreciation.” 

You also can not change or control a person to make them who you want them to be even when you think it is for their own good

"People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds." Carl R Rodgers

I may come off as judging others for not knowing their worth but it is only because I have been their too and don't want other people to have to go through what I went through. But like the quote above says, you can't control other people and it is up to each person to decide what they want to spend their life on. It comes natural to me to want to help others because of my psychology background but I have also learned that you can only help others who want to be helped. People often learn best through experience. Sometimes it is necessary to learn things the hard way.