Bear

Going on a bear hunt 

Going to catch a big one

I'm not scared 

What's that over there..

A friendly bear

A fun bear

A cuddle bear

But a scared bear

I chase

You run

You hide

I surrender 

You text words as sweet as honey 

" I love you"

Here we go again 

But before I know it

You disappear into thin air again 

A ghost bear

Only wanting what I can't have

Starved for affection 

I get a high off of the drizzles of honey ( words of affection)

I'm addicted to the breadcrumbs of memories left  behind in your tracks

A sleeping bag on the beach with a broken zipper 

Stargazing at the brightest stars I've ever seen 

My sandy wet hair drying in the sun on a towel laying next to you

But we are just going around and around drawling circles in the sand

We were a train wreck waiting to happen 

Reminiscing about making out in your car

I know it's dumb

I know it's dumb

It' ain't 2019 no more

Maybe I should stop searching for what is not searching for me

Trusting yourself

 I grew up thinking everyone knew better than me

Not trusting myself

Not trusting my intuition

Not trusting my capabilities

Thinking the way I did things and thought was wrong

But when I learned to tune out the opinions and perspective of the world

I realized...

The way I thought was out of the box but it was what made sense to me 

The way I did things were different

But it was what worked for me

All along I knew what was best for me

All I needed was to have faith in myself

To listen to my own intuition 

Because all of the answers were always within me

To figure things out in my own way 

And realizing this is most liberating feeling of my life

Healing

There is this saying we teach people how to treat us

But actually we were taught how to be treated

How are we supposed to know that people treat us how are body language shows how we feel about ourselves?

How are you supposed to know you are worthy when people treated you like you were less?

They told me I was shy

But how was I supposed to want to speak up when I felt ignored when I did?

They assumed I could not do things

But that was far from right

All I needed to do was adapt

Now I know better

But grief consumes me that it took so long

I blamed myself for not knowing sooner

But it was never my fault

Healing is a long messy process that I'm still figuring out

Love is love

I think it is cool when people are more attracted to the person not the gender. Like schitts creek when David said " I like the wine, not the label"

 Love is love

No matter the gender

It's a shame there is so much shame around sexuality

Disability and sexuality is even more taboo

Because of vulnerability

Women with disabilities are seen as too vulnerable for sex or need to be protected..But truth is we have the same wants and needs as everyone else

I think the most important thing is that both people are open and honest with what they need and want

And with whom

Girls, guys, both

It shouldn't matter

Love is love

And it's up to you to decide what is best for u

Suicide

Someone I'm close to brother just died by suicide

I want to help

But nothing will take the pain away

Nothing will bring him back

No way to comprehend

The pain and suffering someone must go through to feel the need to end their life

Leaving loved one's behind to grieve this loss

But it's not a selfish act

Depression is a terrible disease and at that point rationality has left your system, pain and suffering has taken over every thought

You may even feel like a burden and that your loved ones would be better off

It's your choice...its your life

But a devastating choice at that

Because often it as a permanent solution to a temporary problem

There is hope in a better tomorrow 

But you must believe it is possible

And never give up

There are so many resources out there to exhaust

If only the access was better

There are people who love you and would hate to see you go

So much to live for even if it is just in the gratitude for the little things

But hard to remember when you are going through a lot...easier said than done

And maybe not everyone can be cured

But all lives are worth trying to save

And we must always remember to be kind

We never know what someone is going through

And how much showing them that someone cares could mean to them

That they matter, they are worthy, they are loved

Remind people that the world is better because they are in it

It could even save a life

Anger

 Anger is a tricky thing to know how to deal with

Because we live in a world that tries to get you to suppress your emotions

Like emotions are  bad

But they are just our guiding system

But anger is just a part of us that loves us

That knows we were mistreated

And stands up for how we should be treated

But what if you suppressed it so long that you feel like you are going to explode?

Then you are angry with yourself too people pleasing, being a doormat,a push over

Then you have to grieve because now you know better

You were always allowed to be angry too

Now you know that other people's emotions were not your fault or responsibility

It's ok to see others perspective but just because you know why doesn't mean you should let them disrespect you

Even though other people assumed you had bad intentions when they were mad at you doesn't mean you have to be over understanding of their intentions

It's still not ok to hurt others because you are hurt

How people treat you has more to do with how they feel about themselves

Contradictory Desires

 A feeling of restlessness always lingers with me

A need for change

How much of my wanderlust and dreams to travel is just escapism though?

Contradictory desires consume my thoughts

Adventure and travel vs Stability

Comfort of finding my person and having a family versus freedom

Which are my desires and which ones are desires that the world taught me to want?

Which would be more fufilling?

Fears of feeling trapped by commitment and responsibilities. Fear of missing out also.  But i can also see the cons of always being on the run from these things. 

Although a quote from Into the Wild has stuck with me...Happiness is only real when shared. After a life pursuing his dreams of living in the wild of Alaska... he comes to the realization of how much happiness is determined by time spent with people you have meaningful connectios with.

Maybe I romanticize living a nomadic lifestyle/ traveling too much

But also want purpose and meaning

Being a preschool teacher does this for me but I can feel burnt out from it too.

 It always has me thinking of the pros and cons to having kids of my own.  Fear of comittment responsibility or freedom being taken away even keeps me from thinking about getting a dog sometimes lol

Or maybe it is a fear of it not happening, not finding my person, not being good enough, not having my mom to help... because parenting seems all consuming and never ending but I love children and the rewards would probably outweigh the challenges

Pursuing a career in counseling is fufilling, is a path that will lead to purpose and meaning

So why do I find myself daydreaming of other lives I could have chosen where I could be traveling right now instead?

I guess the commitment and serious ness to it all

I can probably find opportunities tose travel while helping people with their mental health when I graduate 

Just have to be patient

Sometimes it is just hard to picture my future and decide what I want. I think my fears are the barriers to that.

Never want to make choices purely over practicality... my imagination is to big for that. I dream of an extraordinary life. But there is also privilege I have in this that makes me feel greedy for these desires.

And maybe the amount of extraordinary things that happen to you depend on what you pay attention to.

Always a reminder to be thankful for what I have and find the beauty and excitement in where I am now in the present moment. Magic in the mundane to keep me sane.

A balance between letting things happen if/ when they are meant to and manifesting what I want